


grey

by mind_boggling



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-04-12 02:57:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 24
Words: 36,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4462865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mind_boggling/pseuds/mind_boggling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Connor Stevens likes to think that he is a pretty normal teenager. He likes baseball, hanging out with his friends, all the usual teenager stuff. The only difference is that not all teenagers have cancer of the eye. His life slowly became a blur, all the important people being the only ones in focus. </p><p>During Connor's life at the hospital, more and more unlikely people slowly come into focus, becoming important to him - including his new roommate who happened to be in a coma. All his focus is diverted and Connor slowly becomes infatuated with his new friend, giving regular updates of what's happening. </p><p>It's not until Connor see's a familiar face that he realises - coma boy turns out to be Connor's childhood best friend Jude. </p><p>As Connor's vision slowly fades, his connection with Jude becomes stronger as he tries to rekindle the memories lost due to Connor being moved away - all whilst Jude is in a coma.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Present Day**

"And this one?"

"Yellow," The boy replied, looking at the small card that Dr. Davidson was holding up in front of his face. Although he was struggling slightly, he could still see the colours. They were slightly faded but he could still tell the difference by a long shot. His hand was covering his bad eye, so he was at an advantage. It didn't bother him though as he'd done this a million times before.

"Good," Dr. Davidson replied, picking up another card. "Last one" she held the card up toward him and he didn't even hesitate.

"Green" 

She smiled, placing the cards down on the desk in front of them and resuming the ticking of her clipboard, scribbling down some notes that he couldn't read. "Any struggles identifying the colours?" 

He shook his head, "Same as usual. Still slightly faded but distinctive"

She nodded, "Does your left eye still hurt?" 

He then nodded, "The strain to see is really bad" 

She nodded again, "The same. Right, other eye" 

He removed the hand from his bad eye and placed it over his good eye, letting the darkness seep in. The vision was almost completely gone, in its place was a warp of different colours that blended into one. No matter how much he looked around, he saw nothing but a blend of colours.

Dr. Davidson held up the first card. He knew it was the red one as she always used the same order but his eye was telling him something different.

"I don't know" He replied defeatedly. He got bored easily during this part of the exercise as the colours were all the same. She knew that, but she still had to do routine check ups as the tumour was growing and his eye was getting worse. It depressed him, knowing he'd probably be blind in time for his sixteenth birthday.

"As predicted" she went back to her clipboard and he sighed. 

This is pointless, he thought. 

"Why do I have to do this all the time? It's not like the vision is going to come back so why do you have to keep checking whether I can see or not?"

He took his hand away from his eye and blinked as Dr. Davidson turned toward him, placing the clipboard on her lap.

"Connor," she began. "You know I have to check up on you. I have to monitor what your eye is doing and how quickly the cancer is eating away at it, you know that"

Connor was rushed to the doctors on his fourteenth birthday as he couldn't see something that was right in front of him. It was a small box - a birthday present - that he completely kept missing whilst trying to pick it up. (That's what he was told, anyway) His Dad didn't think there was anything wrong as it was just an accident that Connor kept missing the box but his Mom was entirely convinced that there was something deathly "invading" his body. 

At first, it was just red-green colourblindness but that soon got worse. A few scans later, they told Connor it's ocular melanoma. In shorter terms, cancer. The cancer didn't spread to any other parts of his body, and for that he was grateful. He had regular check ups and scans and his eye still stayed the same. It wasn't until Connor started blacking out slightly and losing some of his vision that they actually did something about it.

That's when he was admitted to the hospital permanently, making a temporary home there. Not really temporary as it's been a year. They wanted to keep him there so he could be monitored to see if the cancer miraculously starts to spread or if it gets bigger. The bigger the tumour the more chance that an enucleation will be on the cards. In other words, they will take out Connor's eye and he will be half blind. So far, taking out his eye is becoming more and more logical. 

He shrugged, "Yeah I get that, but do we have to do it so often? If there's a change in my eye I'll tell you or my parents" 

Dr. Davidson sighed, "Connor I know this can be hard for you. Dealing with slightly less vision than everyone else can be tough on people as you're restricted" 

Connor shook his head, "I'm not restricted on anything" He answered. "And it's not hard for me. I'm dealing perfectly fine" 

He wasn't exactly okay, and he was restricted from everything. He couldn't watch TV because he couldn't see it. He couldn't read a book as half the words were blacked out. He couldn't do anything outside of the hospital without a stick in case he started bumping into people. And to top it all off, last week they had given him an eye patch.

The eye patch just made it official. On the outside, his eye doesn't look that bad it was just a little swollen and so nobody asked about it. But now, with an eye patch, everyone will ask about it. That's exactly what Connor didn't want. He regularly wondered by they couldn't just give him sunglasses.

"Are you going home today?" Dr. Davidson asked smiling a little, "Isn't it someone's birthday?"

Connor nodded. It was his birthday. Fifteen. Fifteen and in hospital. He discharged for a while to go home and see his family and open presents whilst he was sat next to his Dad who told him what they were. Also an opportunity to get more clothes and move more of his stuff here. His parents had been forced to spend time together, boxing some of his stuff up ready for the transfer. 

"Your Dad's waiting in the lobby" 

Great. Just what I want right now, he thought. 

He pushed himself off his bed and grabbed the eye patch off the bedside table. Standing in front of the small mirror in his room, he adjusted it over his eye, making sure that most of the minor swelling was covered. Then, he grabbed his cane and walked toward the exit.

Many teenagers, like Connor, roamed the halls of his ward as they all seemed to make friends. Connor never made friends with any of them as he didn't think he'd be staying long but he was wrong. Eventually, he got tired of being alone in the dining hall and managed to befriend a girl with Hepatitis C named Taylor and a guy with Prostate Cancer named Andy. 

The two of them always seemed to sit together in the dining hall and so Connor thought they might be willing to take him into their friendship group. And he was right. All though she was ill, she was bold. And Andy was only a little bit quieter. The two of them made good friends and Connor seemed to blend well with them.

As Connor walked down the corridor toward the dining hall, he passed nurses, people in wheel chairs, screaming children and possibly every kind of germ he could. He could already see Taylor waiting in the dining hall with a box in her hand, surrounded by a bunch of other kids who Connor has seen around before.

When she finally spotted him she pushes herself out of the chair and slowly headed toward him with a weak grin on her face. Connor can't help but smile at her enthusiastic attempt to greet him and she wrapped her arms around him once they meet. 

"Happy birthday!" She chimed, pulling out of the hug and holding the box out toward Connor. "It's a box of chocolate biscuits" she said as she could see Connor was struggling. The sound of them literally made Connor's mouth water.

"No way, how did you get these?" He asked, looking up at Taylor.

"My Mom bought them on visiting day," she said, smiling a little. "Andy says happy birthday but unfortunately he has a scan so he can't be here" 

Connor nodded, remembering Andy mentioning a scan a few days ago. "Well, thank you. But I have to go because my Dad's waiting in the lobby"

Taylor nodded, "Right. Have fun at home" 

He rolled his eyes, "You know I will" 

As Connor turned away he smiled gratefully as Taylor didn't mention the eye patch. He definitely knew she saw it as she observed if as he looked at the biscuits. That was one of the reasons he really liked Taylor - she never made a big deal over anything. Like yeah, they're in a hospital and big things happen everyday but she never points them out. 

The other day Taylor had warned Connor about the fact Andy had gotten crutches and that they shouldn't point it out in case he felt bad. There in that moment he had realised she was absolutely right. Connor just knew that once he walked into the lobby, every aspect of Taylor's kindness would be gone and his Dad wouldn't shut up about the eye patch all the way home.

***

His Dad helped him out the car after countless times Connor had told him he was okay. Because he was, he didn't need help getting out the car - he had a cane.

They'd gone to his Mom's house because the interior was better for a birthday celebration. Connor's Dad's wasn't exactly the neatest or warm house so Connor was glad for the decision.

He had prepared himself for the worst but his grandparents, aunt and uncle and two cousins along with his Mom were the only ones to yell "surprise!" upon his arrival. 

"Happy birthday my sweet," His Mom placed a big kiss upon his forehead before taking his arm and helping him into the house.

"I'm okay, Mom" Connor said, "Thanks" he then used his cane to navigate himself to the sofa. He was then bombarded by the swarm of his family, gifts being placed on his lap and cards by his feet.

"Right," Adam walked through the people toward the sofa next to Connor and sat himself down. "Let's get opening" 

Connor handed him the first card, sighing a little as he couldn't actually see where his Dad was. He heard the envelope being ripped and his Dad adjust his glasses on his nose.

"Dear Connor, Happy Birthday, may your day be filled with lots of fun, love Aunt Vicky, Uncle Sam and Selene" 

Connor then smiled, aiming it toward his Aunt as he sifted through the presents.

"The one with the blue paper, Adam help him" His Aunt leaned forward on the sofa, tapping Adam on the knee.

He instantly stuck his hands in, grabbing the blue present at the same time as Connor did. "It's okay Dad I got it, Connor said, turning toward him whilst his grip tightened on the present.

"Are you sure? Because I can help-"

"Dad," Connor snapped, "I said I'm fine" 

Adam gave him a pointed look but Connor couldn't see it as he turned away from him. He began ripping at the paper, throwing the excess parts onto the floor. "I can still see you know, I have one working eye" 

Adam sighed, "I never said that Connor, all right?"

"No, Dad but you definitely meant it. You treat me like I'm five and I can't open a damn birthday gift. I may be blind in one eye but the other one works fine so leave me alone"

"Connor!" His Mom scalded, walking over toward where he and Adam were sat. Connor just sighed, pulling the eye patch off his face and placing it on the table in front of him. It didn't make things any better he knew that but he just felt they were all staring at it. "Come on sweetie, don't ruin your special day"

"Fine," Connor said as he continued to open the present. He vaguely saw a mush of colours, not sure on what the actual gift was. At that moment he didn't care. 

"Hey that's nice," His Mom took the object off his lap.

"What is it?" Connor asked, feeling so distressed that he couldn't see what it was. No matter how many times he'd been given things that he couldn't see, he still felt the same panic and rise in his heartbeat every time.

"A backpack," She held it up in front of Connor and he squinted to see if that made it any better. He vaguely made the outline but he couldn't see the patterns. Covering his left eye he could identify it was blue and red. He then smiled, looking toward his Aunt and Uncle sat on the sofa next to him.

"Thank you," he said. "I love it"

This process went on for another fifteen minutes and Connor was gradually getting more and more angry with his parents who continually treated him like a baby. He also got tired after all the straining on his good eye so his Dad drove him back to the hospital after cake, with a fresh bag of clothes in the backseat.

Connor signed into the hospital easily, waiting for his Dad to place his hand in the right place where he wrote his name messily. Everyone knew it was him because the slanted writing took up two lines. 

He didn't see Taylor or Andy upon his return but he bid his Dad goodbye at the doorway and happily walked off down the corridor to his room. He counted the doors on the way, getting all the way to room 26 and fiddling around for the door knob. 

Once he opened the door, he was greeted by several doctors who had invaded his room whilst he had been gone.

"Evening Connor," the familiar voice belonged to Dr. McDonald and Connor just looked at him. He pushed through the swarm of doctors to get to his bed. He placed the cane down, sitting on his own bed and taking a deep breath. He looked over toward the usually empty bed on the other side of the room.

As doctors headed in and out the room, the bed became visible and Connor saw who was lay inside. A brunette boy with a large purple bruise on his forehead. There was a gash on his cheek which someone was cleaning. 

Connor then lost sight of the boy. The coma boy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Present Day**

The doctors hadn't cleared out of Connor's room by the time he had fallen asleep and he woke to find a few still in there. They were obviously settling this coma boy in. Connor had yet to have a proper look at coma boy or ask Dr. Davidson what was wrong with him but he definitely intended on doing so. 

That morning, he ignored the doctors completely and headed straight to the dining hall. He had only had a piece of cake at his Mom's and he had missed eating time by the time he got back to the hospital so he was pretty hungry. He had also slept late so he hoped Andy or Taylor had saved him something. 

Connor had forgotten his eye patch and cane as he rushed out the room and he ended up bumping into a few people along the corridor.

"Connor," one of the doctors had scalded. "Where's your cane?"

"Forgot it, sorry" Connor muttered, continuing down the corridor. He sighed, still thinking about the fact they hadn't even checked with him if he was okay with having a room mate. Connor was okay with it but sometimes he liked time to himself. His room was his escape from things and now coma boy had invaded his bubble.

"Connor," he spotted Andy sitting at their table at the edge of the dining hall and he instantly headed over. Andy's face dropped in awkwardness when Connor couldn't make it to his seat without bumping into multiple chairs.

Connor was sure multiple people were looking at him now and he felt like shrinking into a tiny ball away from everything but Andy held his hand out, helping Connor to his seat. He smiled gratefully as Andy slid a plate of pancakes over toward Connor.

"Thank you," Connor answered, feeling for a knife and fork in the cutlery pot to his right.

"How's the room mate?" Andy asked, picking at his half eaten sandwich on his plate. 

"Wait, you knew?" Connor asked. "How come I didn't?"

Andy shook his head, "I didn't know. I saw them in your room when I checked to see if you were back or not"

Connor then nodded, taking a mouthful of pancake. "Right. Well there isn't much to say really as the doctors have been in there none stop and I haven't even had chance to look at him yet" 

Andy laughed a little, "That's what it was like when they moved Alyssa into my room. It was none stop all day. They were at the door and I was stood there like, 'I gotta pee man!'

The two of them laughed, and Connor took a moment to remember the brief time that Alyssa was there. All though she passed within a few months of being there, Andy always talked about her and she sounded like a massive bundle of energy right until her last breath. 

"Where's Tay?" Andy asked, watching Connor pick at the pancake.

"I was going to ask you the same thing" He replied, shrugging his shoulders.

"Oh, it's newbie day" Andy said, looking over Connor's shoulder. He turned, attempting to see but only blocking his vision more. 

"What is it?" He asked, looking at Andy.

"Tay and a new girl coming this way," he then smiled at what seemed to be the two of the, approaching the table. Connor was still oblivious as to what was going on and he just continued eating his pancakes. 

"Hi guys," Taylor chimed as she seated herself next to Andy. "This is Daria, she's new so I said she could sit with us"

Andy smiled, waving toward her. Connor swivelled in his chair trying to get a good look at her. She shied away from Connor as he analysed her and he frowned a little.

"Sorry," he said instantly. "I can't actually see you very well so I do this with everyone" he then pointed to his bad eye and Daria turned toward him, looking at it.

"Oh," she said. "Sorry" 

Connor shrugged, "Don't be sorry. We're all in here for something or we wouldn't be here at all"

Daria just laughed, "True" 

Connor focused back on his pancakes as Taylor got talking to Daria, explaining all of the normal procedures that go on around the hospital. What time breakfast is, when classes are, when visiting day is. It all bored Connor so he just stayed focused on his pancakes.

"Hey I'm gonna head back to my room before class" Connor then pushed himself up from the chair. "It was nice meeting you" he said, aiming it in Daria's direction. He had gabbed bits of the conversation and apparently she was in for brain problems or something. He made a mental note to ask her later on. 

"Be careful," Taylor warned as he turned to leave the table.

"I will, Mom" he joked. 

"See you in class buddy," Andy called as Connor placed his plate on the pile of others at the back of the room. He then headed toward the exit, bumping into a few more people on his way.

As he headed to his room he saw a bunch of people leaving his room and he sighed. All he wanted was a bit of quiet but he definitely wouldn't get that now coma boy was there. 

He walked inside, stopping at the doorway. All the doctors had gone and his room was relatively calm and quiet. Coma boy was completely on show now and Connor did his best to take a look. There was a brunette girl sat at one side of his bed along with another girl stood behind her. The standing girl turned to leave and frowned as she spotted Connor.

"Uh, hi?" She asked, her voice wobbling a little. She had obviously been crying and Connor felt bad for her. 

Connor just ignored her, frowning as he shuffled further into the room. The brunette girl sat by coma boy turned quickly at the entrance of Connor and his mouth gaped.

Her features were easily recognised and her curls were so distinctive that even Connor could see who it was. He'd seen her too many times before not to recognise her. But her face and all the memories bought a dark ache to Connor's chest.

"Connor?" She asked, her voice wobbling like the previous girl.

"Callie?" He replied, almost inaudibly. He then looked down toward the bed where the smaller boy lay.

Coma boy was Jude?

***

**August 23 2013**

_"All right Connor," Adam locked the car and the two of them headed toward the batting cages. "The tryouts are next week. We aren't leaving here until you can hit that ball as good as Babe Ruth"_

_Connor frowned, "I don't even know who that is"_

_"Well, you should" Adam answered, placing two notes on the counter and sliding them under the window. He then patted Connor's back hard causing him to wince. "Right, head into that empty cage and I'll be there in a minute"_

_"Fine," Connor walked over toward the empty cage, eyeing the ball machine at the other end. He then looked around, watching the other people in cages further down practising. Some of them were so confident it scared Connor - he could never be as good as them._

_He leaned against the mesh whilst he waited for his Dad to come back and he continued watching the other people. As he watched them, his chances at making the Anchor Beach team became slimmer and slimmer and he was about to tell his Dad to just got home._

_"I can't do it, look its pointless"_

_"Jude of course you can, you've just got to practise"_

_Connor turned slightly to see a smaller boy in the cage next to him, holding a bat that looked way too big for him. He stood by a taller guy who was looking down on him._

_"I can't. It's not going to work. I don't want to do it anymore" He replied, holding the bat out toward the older guy._

_"Come on Jude," he then bent down to level with the boy. "You told Stef and Lena you'd try out for the team"_

_"Well I don't want to anymore. I won't get in and I'll just make a fool out of myself" Jude crossed his arms, looking away from the older guy for a second._

_"Well," he began. "If that's what you really want to do I'll take you home"_

_The guy stood, taking the bat and helmet from Jude and heading out of the cage._

_"Is that your Dad?" Connor asked, peering through the mesh at him. Jude instantly looked up, giving Connor an odd look. "He seems nice"_

_"No, he's not" Jude replied. "Well, it's complicated. He's the Dad of my foster brother"_

_Connor's eyebrows raised, "Nice of him to bring you here"_

_Jude nodded, pausing and then smiling. "Yeah. It is. I'm just not good at it"_

_Connor shrugged, going around the cages and becoming level with Jude. He then picked up the spare bat that had been left behind and he stood in place, ready for the ball._

_"Hey, you don't have a hat - be careful!"_

_The ball came hurtling toward Connor and he positioned himself, hitting the ball back toward the machine. He then smiled, feeling a rush of pride. He turned back toward Jude._

_"Your turn" he said, holding the bat out. Jude instantly shook his head._

_"I can't. I don't have a hat" he answered. Connor took his arm, leading him toward the stand._

_"You'll be fine. Stand here with your left side facing the machine" Connor helped Jude position himself on the stand, watching him gulp at the sight of the ball machine. "Keep your legs apart and bend them a little"_

_Connor smiled slightly as he watched Jude follow his instructions, watching the ball machine the whole time._

_"And hold the bat upward, keeping your eye on the machine" Connor steadied the bat in Jude's shaking hand before walking backward so he was out of shot of the ball. The only risk was Jude throwing the bat at him in an attempt to hit the ball. "Ready?"_

_"No" Jude called, keeping his eye on the ball machine. Connor laughed as the ball came suddenly hurtling toward him._

_He watched Jude shut his eyes and swing the bat, hitting the ball a little over the edge of the cage. Connor instantly felt like cheering, as part of the success was on his behalf._

_Jude opened his eyes, widening them at the sight of the ball laying on the floor. "I did it" he said, turning toward Connor. "I did it! Mike I did it!"_

_Jude dropped the bat, turning around and heading out of the cage running down the pathway to the shelter full of gear. Connor watched him full of glee as he pulled Mike back to the cage._

_"It was so awesome, and this guy helped me" Jude pointed toward Connor, still clutching Mike's arm._

_"This guy, eh?" Mike asked, flashing a half grin. "And who is 'this guy'?"_

_"Connor?" He instantly turned around, looking at his Dad in the other cage. "I told you to come to this cage" Adam then squinted looking at Mike and Jude. "What are you doing?"_

_"Sorry Dad," Connor said. "I was just helping 'this guy'"_

_He turned back to Jude and the two shared a smile. They didn't need to exchange names because the two of them had technically already greeted one another._


	3. Chapter 3

**Present Day**

Connor was pretty hesitant to get out of bed the next day. He refused to look at Jude for a while, wondering if he could see his guilt. Even though Connor knew he couldn't as he was in a coma. Jude was in a freaking coma and he didn't even think to ask why. 

He felt so bad sitting in the bed next to Jude. Sitting there, being able to get about when Jude couldn't. Jude was fighting for his life whilst induced in a coma. Connor hadn't seen him in over a year and this was how life had decided to bring them back together - in hospital.

Eventually, he got up and out of his bed and faced Jude. He didn't know why he was so nervous as Jude couldn't actually talk to him. He didn't know whether that made it worse - maybe it was a substitute for Jude ignoring them if they came face to face when he was actually awake.

Connor headed around the bed silently, his hip clashing with the side of it. He stopped dead in his tracks, thinking he'd wake Jude when he fully knew he wouldn't. You don't wake people from comas, they have to get better. Connor then sat in the chair next to Jude's bed, staring at him contently. He just didn't understand how Jude had gotten there; he had so many questions. 

What happened? Why were they all the way over here, they lived at least two hours away? Why was Jude admitted to this hospital? Why not one closer to home? Was Jude going to be okay? What was wrong with him? Did he have any broken bones, any major faults due to the accident? Connor just wanted to know everything. He wanted to know if Jude was going to be okay. He slipped back into the old routine of caring of every little thing to do with Jude so easily. Was Callie okay? How about the others? Where were Stef and Lena? 

No-one other than Connor knew who Jude was and none of them knew that Connor had previously been friends with him. It almost physically hurt Connor for him to think of the two of them as just people. Not two people, who were once joined at the hip, two best friends who knew every single thing about each other at one moment in their lives. 

Connor still knew everything about Jude and he still treasured the whole year they were friends. Connor felt it was best to break things off when he left, just so they weren't the two friends who tried to have a long distance friendship. Those never worked. The other was always forgotten as new friends took their place. Nothing was worth it anymore when there was distance. 

Connor figured it was almost time to eat so he stood from the chair by Jude's bed and hesitated there for a second. I'll be back, he thought - he wanted to say it aloud but it felt wrong. Like a privacy invasion or something.

He then nodded as if to confirm it before turning around to the exit. He heard a few laughs come from outside of his room but he couldn't see who it was. Obviously just people passing his room. 

Yet again, Connor forgot his cane as he headed down the corridor to the dining hall. Going through the same routine, he bumped into the odd thing, sent one kid's wheel chair a few metres down the hall and caused a nurse to drop a huge bunch of files. 

After he helped her pick them up, muddling everything around he finally reached the dining hall. There was no sign of Taylor or Andy so Connor grabbed a plate with some toast on before grabbing a table by himself.

"Have fun talking to coma boy, pop eye?"

The voice behind him was full of venom and Connor just sighed as he figured that these were the people outside his room who were laughing. 

He didn't bother turning around as he could significantly identify the voice as James Downing. Also known as the most threatening kid in the teen ward. He'd practically lived at the hospital all his life so he figured he owned the place. He'd been there the longest, he was the top kid - that kind of thing. More of a reason to boss people about.

"Don't even deny it, I saw it with my own eyes. Because normal people around here can actually see" 

The chorused laughter didn't help Connor to feel better. He only sunk lower into his chair and focused harder on his toast. He tried to ignore them but they all seemed to come and sit around his table, obviously to antagonise him further.

"Well," he said, "Are you gonna say anything or not?"

Connor had learnt from countless times before, just to ignore them. Their words never meant anything, anyway. It was just a coward trapped inside a body. That's what Connor's Mom told him when he was eight and a huge beefy kid took his ice cream at the park.

Connor looked him in the eye before shaking his head simply. He could see how it angered him and Connor almost thought he'd won the whole 'fight'. Connor focused back on his breakfast. None of the others around the table ever attempted to say anything, it was always James Downing that did the talking. The one with the witty come backs and actually knowledge of everyone in the hospital.

"Coma boy your boyfriend?" 

That pushed over Connor's limit by a long shot and he stood from the table quickly, facing James ready for a confrontation Connor knew he would lose. 

He then grinned at Connor, "So he is?"

"No" Connor snapped, feeling guilt rise up in his chest. There was so much he wanted to say to James that he knew he couldn't. If him and his posse ever found out about Connor and Jude it would probably be the end of any kind of friendship he's formed with the other people in the hospital. They'd spread rumours about Connor that weren't true, causing people to choose James Downing's side over his. Connor didn't care, only he figured his time there would be more miserable as everything others thought of him bothered him a lot.

"The two of you looked pretty cozy back in your room" The chorused laughter was back and Connor just got angrier and angrier. He wanted to scream it all at him, how he had no idea Jude would be coming, how they used to be friends, how everything was different back then.

"Do you enjoy invading people's privacy?" Connor snapped back.

He just nodded, "Yes, quite frankly I do"

"Well back the hell out of mine" 

"Why should I?"

As Connor was about to launch at him, he felt someone's tight grip on his arm, forcing him backward. As he turned sharply, he could vaguely see it was Daria.

He then heard the voice of Nurse Alvarez, obviously trying to figure out what was going on. Connor knew everyone who had some kind of confrontation or fight was supposed to answer to him and so he swiftly moved away after apologising to James. He apologised back but he never meant it. Connor didn't mean it either but he'd say anything to get away from him.

"What happened?" Daria asked, leading Connor to another table quickly. He sat next to her, sighing as he covered his eyes with his hands. He would not cry. He would not cry.

He almost told her about Jude. He almost told her about what James accused him of. But then he remembered that he'd known Daria a day and she didn't even know Jude existed.

"Nothing" Connor muttered, biting into his second piece of toast. The anger of his bite caused Daria to go silent, just sitting with him until he was ready to talk.

"Did he say something to you?" She then asked.

"Why do you care?" Connor snapped, turning toward her quickly. He could just about see the hurt on her face and she then turned away from him. He shook his head quickly  placing a hand on her arm. "I'm sorry, he just aggravates me"

She side glanced him before swivelling in her chair to face him again, "It's okay. I just wanted to know if you were okay"

Connor then smiled a little, feeling bad for snapping. "I'm fine. Honest"

***

**September 10 2013**

_Connor spotted Jude at the front of his Math class. The boy stared at the teacher admiringly, so ready to learn. It confused Connor; who liked Math?_

_Connor then raised his hand, sighing. "Sir, can I have a pen? Mine ran out"_

_"Certainly, one moment Connor"_

_He certainly didn't. Which is why he scrunched a ball of paper up and threw it across the room whilst Mr. Haven's back was turned. It hit Jude in the back of the head and his hand flew up toward it immediately, itching the back of his head. A pro of being an upcoming baseball enthusiast; good aim._

_Jude turned, a frown on his face which broke as soon as he saw Connor grinning at him. His eyes flickered away from Connor as there was a knock at the door. Connor turned too, watching the door open and Vice Principal Adams walk in. She sent a smile Jude's way before heading to the front of class to talk to Mr. Haven._

_Connor then realised Mr. Haven forgot to give Connor his pen so he headed up toward the front of the room, collecting the pen from his desk._

_As he turned back around he spotted Jude again on the front row and sent him a smile but Jude looked aggravated. His sudden change of expression confused Connor, the boy looked so happy just a minute ago._

_Jude then turned to mutter something to the guy behind him who was looking at Jude in disgust. Connor frowned, heading over to Jude as he turned back to face the front._

_"Why're you so protective, newbie? You gay as well?"_

_Connor's eyes widened, looking at the well known bully Jeremy Jameson on the row behind Jude._

_"What's going on?" Connor asked, looking at Jude expectantly._

_"This guy made fun of Le- I mean, Vice Principal Adams for being a lesbian" Jude answered, looking toward his desk and fiddling with the only thing on it, a pen. "And I told him that there's nothing wrong with it"_

_Connor was confused as to why Jude would stand up to Jeremy Jameson in the first place but it instantly made him like Jude more. The kid had guts underneath his shaky appearance._

_"Yeah, that's cause there isn't" Connor answered, looking toward Jeremy and frowning._

_"It's fine guys," Jeremy then said. "You can have an opinion even if it is wrong"_

_His friends around him all laughed, only fuelling the anger in both Connor and Jude. It fuelled Jeremy's ego too, by the looks of it._

_"The same goes for you, obviously. But I can tell you now that your narrow minded opinion is wrong, and you wouldn't dream of telling that to Vice Principal Adams, would you?"_

_Jeremy slumped into his chair with a smirk on his face as Mr. Haven approached Connor._

_"What are you doing out of your seat?" He asked, looking toward Connor._

_"I was just stopping this kid from bullying Jude" Connor answered, turning to Mr. Haven with a smile on his face._

_"Well what was he doing?" Mr. Haven asked, folding his arms._

_"Being homophobic about Vice Principal Adams and then accused Jude of being gay just because he defended her" Connor answered, causing Jude to look up, his eyes wide with fear._

_"Take a seat, Connor" Mr. Haven shuffled him along the room and Connor just frowned as he headed back to his seat. What a joke._

_"Is that all you're going to do?"_

_Connor stopped in his tracks, a smile tugging at his lips as he heard Jude speak up. He then turned back toward the front, looking at Jude quickly._

_"What do you want me to do, Jude?" Mr. Haven snapped, looking down on Jude._

_"Tell him he's in the wrong, because he is" Jude answered sheepishly._

_Mr. Haven nodded, his brows raised. "Okay. Jude Jacob you are in the wrong for talking back to me when I have addressed an issue my way, get out of my class"_

_Jude never said another word as he headed toward the door, clutching his pen tightly. Connor frowned, knowing he was about to join Jude as he stepped to the front of the class._

_"Sir, you can't do that. Jude did nothing wrong"_

_Mr. Haven turned, his brows raised further, "Oh can't I?" Connor Stevens you are in the wrong for encouraging bad behaviour, get out of my class"_

_Connor smiled, "Okay"_

_He heard people laughing as he headed toward the door, pulling it shut heavily as he joined Jude with standing outside the door._

_"Hello again," Connor said. "You've got some guts"_

_"Could say the same about you," Jude answered, looking away from his shoes and toward Connor for a brief second. He was obviously scared as he looked straight back to the ground. Connor dropped his smug grin, poking Jude's shoulder._

_"It's all right, we did the right thing. I know you know that deep down"_

_Jude looked up again, a little less scared this time. Connor smiled at him, causing him to smile and nod._

_"Care to join me in walking to the Principal's office?"_

_Jude just nodded, stifling a laugh as the two of them headed down the corridor. Connor was in for a mouthful from his Dad later that night but Jude knew the real consequence. That there wasn't one._


	4. Chapter 4

**Present Day**

After class, Connor headed back to his room only to find Callie in there. She was sat in the seat Connor was sat in a few days ago, holding onto Jude's hand and talking away to him like it was the most normal thing on earth. Connor knew it wasn't. Jude was in a coma.

He waited by the door for a few minutes, listening to Callie ramble on about how Brandon is staying at his friends and that Stef took Mariana and Jesus back home as they had school. Connor also learned that Lena and Callie were staying in a hotel somewhere close to the hospital so they could keep checking up on Jude.

Callie paused for a long while, just looking at Jude.

"You can come in, Connor" 

Connor snapped out of his trance of listening to Callie and coughed a little. He looked over to the bed to see Callie turned toward him, smiling a little.

Connor headed into the room quickly, walking over toward his bed and sitting down, taking his eye patch off and placing his cane by the side of his bed. 

"Sorry for eavesdropping" Connor answered, looking down toward his bed. He honestly felt bad for invading Callie's personal time with Jude but she didn't seem bothered.

"It's no big deal, this is your room too anyway" she answered, heading around the bed and over toward Connor's. She sat next to him, crossing her legs tightly on the bed before looking at Connor. "Long time no see, huh?" 

Connor just nodded, feeling incredibly ashamed to even look at Callie after he hurt Jude like that. She obviously didn't know. How could she not know?

"How long have you been here?" She then asked, pulling Connor away from his thoughts.

"A year" Connor answered, causing Callie to gasp. 

"No way, really? What's up?"

Connor just turned to her, doing his best to squint without hurting his eye. "I have cancer in my eyeball" 

"Wow, that sucks. I'm sorry, I had no idea. Jude never told me"

That's because he didn't know.

"What happened to Jude?" Connor asked, the question had been gnawing at the pit of his stomach ever since last week and he still hadn't got an answer. He needed to know otherwise he might just go insane. "Is he going to be okay?"

"He was in a car accident" Callie started, picking with the sheets on Connor's bed. "Uh, we were on vacation down here for a week and Mike was driving him and Brandon back to our hotel when he hit a guy in the middle of a crossing. Mike had drunken that night, and he lost control of the wheel. He stopped midway down the road and the car just hit Jude's side. Brandon is fine, he walked away clean - as did Mike. They thought Jude was going to die right there and then" 

The words were numb in his ears; die right there and then. Connor couldn't bear the thought of Jude dying. Even though they weren't friends anymore, a huge chunk of his life would be gone.

He shook his head, "Mike? Drink-driving?" 

He almost didn't say it as his mouth had turned so dry in the past minute. His whole body had turned so numb, like he had been switched off. He felt like he couldn't even move, like he was just trapped in that one spot forever.

Callie nodded, "He had a problem a while back. Guess it sprouted again" 

Connor stopped staring into space and looked toward Callie as she started to cry. She wiped her tears away quickly, hoping Connor wouldn't see. He almost didn't. 

Connor hadn't cried in so long. It was embarrassing. The actual concept of crying didn't bother him; it was a human emotion that everyone had. Connor got that. It was the fact Connor couldn't cry. The tears only came out of one eye. It was so strange to Connor but it was normal for other people. Other cancer patients. The cancer eats away at the cells in your eye apparently, and this cancer had taken the ones that caused the tears to flow.

"I sat and talked to Jude the other day" Connor then said, causing Callie to look at him. 

"I bet that was nice" 

"Not really" Connor answered. "I got picked on for it" 

Callie frowned, "What? By who?"

Connor just shook his head. He didn't want to go into any detail about why it angered him so much as to what James Downing did. Then Callie would start asking questions that Connor couldn't answer without conformation from Jude. It was like there was a boundary, but also something missing. Thinking about Jude in a coma was the weirdest feeling in the world. "It doesn't matter"

Callie never responded which Connor was grateful for. She always knew when to leave things and when to push for an answer. Today wasn't the day for an answer. That's the one thing he remembers about her, how kind she was to Connor. How she never pushed for answers to questions he didn't feel comfortable with. How she always knew what to say and exactly when to say it. Callie was an understanding person and Connor had felt so tied up since he'd left. Callie could always help him and he'd needed help for at least a year now. 

One thing that came of this whole situation; in the most bizarre way possible, a trace of normalcy returned to Connor's life.

***

**September 17 2013**

_Connor pressed Jude's doorbell once, and waited a few seconds whilst his Dad drove off. Surprisingly, Jude didn't answer._

_It was one of Jude's foster brothers that answered. Connor just smiled._

_"Are you here for Jude?" He asked._

_Connor nodded, "Yeah, we're going to the movies"_

_He nodded, turning toward the stairs. "Jude! Callie!"_

_Connor laughed slightly as Callie came thundering down the stairs, followed by Jude._

_"No need to shout, Jesus" Callie said, grabbing her coat off the rack._

_"Yes, thank you Callie" Connor instantly felt slightly intimidated when he saw Vice Principal Adams walk toward the front door with a smile on her face._

_He was completely shocked when he found out that she was Jude's foster Mom. It made sense as to why he stuck up for her though, and why the two of them were let off and got given a biscuit in her office instead of a telling off. Also she was bitching about Mr. Haven which Connor found so funny._

_"What?" Jesus exclaimed, "Like I'm the only person who shouts in this house"_

_Connor just laughed as Jude made a face at him. "Can we go now?"_

_"Of course, you don't want to be late. I hope you don't mind Connor but Callie's coming to supervise and I'll drop you at the theatre" Connor looked up toward Lena and nodded. He didn't know if he should call her Lena aloud so he just kept it in his head._

_The drive to the theatre was mostly consisting of dancing along to the radio, and Connor and Jude laughing at Lena's dance moves. Every now and then Connor saw Callie turn toward them, almost like she was checking on them._

_After dropping them at the theatre, Lena gave Callie some money to buy Connor, Jude and herself something to eat._

_"Take your pick guys"_

_Connor and Jude both headed into the racks full of candy, Jude picking out as much as he could. Connor just picked a small bag of something chocolatey as he didn't want to be rude. He also wasn't that hungry so they would do fine._

_As Jude approached him he laughed. He could barley hold all the different candies he'd picked up. He just grinned at Connor who just laughed, clutching his chocolates tightly as the sight of Jude dropping everything made Connor's hands sweaty._

_"You can't seriously want all of that"_

_Jude shrugged, causing something to drop on the floor. The two of them laughed as Callie approached them, picking up the packet._

_"No way Jude. You can't have all that" she said, folding her arms._

_"Look who came to spoil everything" Jude muttered, heading past Connor to put away the extra bags he hadn't dropped along the way._

_"You can have two, maximum!" Callie called, cracking a smile at all the people watching Jude put his endless amounts of packets back onto the racks. "You got something, Connor?"_

_Connor turned toward her quickly, forgetting she was stood next to him. He nodded, holding his small packet up. She frowned at him._

_"Is that all you want?"_

_Connor just hesitated, before nodding with a smile._

_Callie just nodded, "Okay"_

_Connor turned back toward Jude who was approaching them again with two packets in his hands. He handed them to Callie and Connor did the same and she approached the back of the queue._

_"You decided in the end then?" Connor asked, nudging Jude._

_Jude just nodded, "It was one of the hardest decisions of my life"_

_Connor turned toward him as Jude did the same. The two of them burst out laughing, not caring about the people around them and who was watching them. Connor lost every care in the world._

***

**Present Day**

Connor just lay in his bed for a while after Callie left. He needed to be alone and think about what she had told him. How Mike started drinking again and essentially was the reason Jude was lay in hospital. How he was almost the reason for Jude's death. 

Connor just felt numb. He ignored the faint buzz of his phone on the bedside table. He just wanted to shut everyone out like he used to before. When he first moved to the hospital he shut mostly everyone out completely. He was convinced he had some deadly disease and that he was going to die. No matter how many times Dr. Davidson had told him the worst the cancer would do is eat at all the brain cells and cause him to have a transplant, Connor was still slightly convinced something would happen and he wouldn't make it. The feeling was slowly seeping back - what if Jude did die?

The knock on his door pulled Connor out of his own thoughts and he wiped away the renegade tear quickly before rolling over. 

"Connor?" He recognised the voice as Taylor. He shuffled off his bed, grabbing his phone before sitting back down as Taylor made her way over. "Are you all right?"

Connor just shrugged as Taylor sat next to him on his bed. She placed an hand on his arm, rubbing it gently. 

"What's up?" She asked.

Connor thought about telling her the truth. About Jude. He watched her out the corner of his eye looking at Jude with a small frown on her face.

Connor shook his head, "Just my Dad. Annoying me recently. That's all"

Another time.


	5. Chapter 5

**Present Day**

"Connor, come on!" 

Connor could never resist the dinner menu on a Wednesday and because Andy wasn't allowed to go to the movies with them he had made it his job to get the most food and rub it in their faces. He thought he'd gotten away with it until Connor had snuck up behind him and grabbed a burrito from his plate.

"Hey, man knock it off!" Andy complained, frowning at him.

Connor just grinned, taking a bite out of the burrito, leaning away from Andy as he reached up to take the burrito from him. "I'm sorry you can't come dude,"

Andy just shrugged, shovelling a piece of pie in his mouth. "Whatever. I get all your food combined"

Connor cracked another smile, taking another bite. "It's a girls movie anyway. I'm only going because Taylor thinks I have a thing for Daria and she's forcing me"

Andy raised a brow, "Do you?"

Connor sighed, "No"

Andy then smirked, wiggling his eye brows at Connor before laughing. 

"I don't!" Connor complained. Quite the opposite. "Seriously, Andy you're supposed to side with me on this"

Andy nodded as Connor sighed, finishing the burrito. "Better than this place anyway" 

Andy frowned, "What about that kid in your room? Didn't you say it was less lonely now?" 

Connor hesitated, narrowing his eyes and tilting his head one side. "Kinda. His family are always in there. I mean, don't get me wrong they're nice" he then trailed off, wanting to tell Andy about it. He figured if he told someone, Jude would be taken away from him. As selfish as that was, Connor wanted them to stay in their little bubble. He didn't want the others popping it and hopping inside. "They visit more than my parents do anyway"

Andy smiled sadly, looking toward his plate and pushing the pie around. "I'm sorry man" 

Connor shrugged, "I don't care. They always argue when they come together. My dad comes every so often but that's irritating. All he does is fill me in on sports games he thinks I care about. And when my mom comes, which is like once every what - four months?"

"Four months is an exaggeration, Connor" Andy answered.

Connor nodded, "I know" 

They couldn't say anything else as Connor was pulled away by Taylor. 

Andy then perked up. "Have fun!" 

Connor just sighed, smiling a little. Taylor pulled him to the reception where Daria waited with one of the nurses. She had to come as a chaperone and she claimed she'd sit at the back not to 'cramp their style' but Connor knew she had to sit on stand by for Taylor. 

They had just about let Taylor out. She wasn't getting any better and that worried Connor. Lately she'd been put on a bunch of new medication that Connor had never heard of and that gave him the impression they were doing everything they could to keep her healthy. She had been on the liver transplant list for so long, as long as Connor had known her and probably even longer than that. 

It just didn't seem to come - and Connor knew she couldn't wait much longer. 

Connor didn't really know how to feel about that so he stopped thinking about it all together.

As for Andy, he had a bunch of scans coming up and they wouldn't be back in time for them. Connor was kinda bummed that he couldn't go but he figured he best make the most of it. 

Besides, there won't be anyone at the theatre that Connor knows - he dropped out of school over a year ago, people would have forgotten about him by now. His so called 'friends' at his new school wouldn't remember him. They'd stopped visiting after about a month of him living at the hospital.

So he thought.

Nurse Marshall (Connor thought that was her name) had let them get their seats whilst she paid for candy and drinks. Taylor helped Connor up the stairs as he practically couldn't see a thing. It was bad enough having only one working eye but walking into a movie theatre was completely off the charts.

"Connor Stevens? No way!" 

Connor's back straightened immediately, feeling every nerve in his body come to life. The one voice he didn't want to hear. The one person he had secretly disliked with all of his mite and hoped he'd never see again after dropping out.

Hester Richards. 

"I haven't seen you in forever!" She squealed. Connor was pretty sure everyone in the theatre was now looking their way, which he didn't want at all.

Taylor looked toward Connor, her eyes widened at the high pitched voice. How did someone's voice even get that high? 

"Hey, Hester" Connor said uneasily, as he clocked eyes on her in the row in front of them. They still had a few rows to go but they had stopped, considering Hester had decided to announce Connor's name to the entirety of the theatre. 

It's okay, he thought. Once Nurse Marshall gets here it'll be okay. Take a deep breath.

She leaned forward on her chair, getting a closer look at Connor. He shook his head slightly, tightening his grip on his cane. He felt Taylor tighten her grip on his arm and for that he was grateful. 

Please don't see my cane. Please don't see my cane.

"Where have you been? There were rumours around school that you dropped out and moved away or something but I knew that wouldn't be true" 

God, why her? Of all people.

Connor nodded, even though he couldn't see where she was. "Yeah, I dropped out and started getting homeschooled" 

One lie was good. She wouldn't ask anymore. Luckily she couldn't see his cane as he'd managed to move it to the side of him by Daria.

"Homeschooled? But why? You were so great on the baseball team! That's no excuse, Connor!" She answered. Somehow her voice got louder. 

Yeah, Connor thought. I wouldn't be so great on your baseball team now. He then instantly deflated, wondering if he'd ever play again. If he'd ever even see again.

"Listen, Hester I need to get to my seat the movie's about to start" Connor said, pulling Taylor along to try and speed things up. 

Hester grabbed at Connor's arm, causing him to drop his cane. "But we need to catch up! Hang out some time, yeah?"

Taylor bent down for Connor's cane quickly, letting him nod.

"Yeah, sure. See you Hester" 

He shuddered with irritation, Taylor handing his cane back to him. 

"Who was that?" Daria asked, heading up toward them as they got to their seats.

"This annoying girl who goes to the school I used to go to" Connor answered, sinking down his chair and shutting his eyes. Hester Richards of all people. 

Connor suddenly had an ache punch at his stomach as he wished Jude were there. Jude would have laughed his head off at that situation, teasing Connor for days on end about how much he mucked up in being subtly polite. He didn't know Hester but he would have hated her just as much as Connor did. 

Connor could just imagine telling Jude stories about Hester, about his whole group of friends. Himself, Max Eaton, Jimmy Cooper, Lace West, Megan Walters and Hester Richards. Not like any of them actually liked Hester. Megan was just about tolerable and wherever she went, Hester followed. How they all sat with the eleventh graders because Connor knew a few of them from baseball practice. 

Connor could just imagine Jude cackling so hard that he almost falls off his bed.

***

**October 23 2013**

_It was only a party. Connor didn't have to go but he wanted to. At least he thought he did._

_Scratch that; Connor wanted to go to the party with Jude. He wanted Jude to come so he could get to know other people at Anchor Beach. He was relatively new still and Connor had his plan all set up._

_Until Jude's foster moms said no._

_Jude had been a downer for the rest of the week, knowing he couldn't do anything to convince them to say yes. There was no point in even trying. Connor knew it was hopeless, Jude was the most polite person he'd ever met._

_One of Connor's other friends, Ashley had convinced him to still go after Jude had bailed. He said it was fine anyway, but Connor still wasn't convinced. He felt bad for Jude._

_It turned out the party was a bust. Too many random girls trying to hit on Connor and him having to politely decline them. He'd stuck by Ashley all night but he still felt bad for Jude._

**Text To: Jude**

**this party sucks**

**Jude: ha, really ?**

**Connor: totally**

**Connor: id rather be doing homework**

**Jude: there's a sentence I never thought id here u say**

**Connor: im surprised myself**

**Jude: its funny cuz im actually doing homework**

**Connor: no way**

**Connor: on SATURDAY ??**

**Connor: that's it**

**Jude: what**

**Jude: i always do homework on saturday**

**Jude: stef and lena make me do my homework when i get in from school but i couldn't yesterday cuz brandon, jesus and mariana's grandma came over**

**Jude: its ok though**

**Jude: i like it**

**Jude: connor ?**

**Jude: are u there?**

_Connor was there, he was too busy laughing. Luckily the party was only a few blocks from Jude's and he slipped out easily enough. Jude Jacob could not do homework on a Saturday - that was forbidden. So Connor had decided._

_Rule One in Jude and Connor's friendship guide (this was totally new and Connor needed to tell Jude as soon as possible)_

**No homework on Saturdays.**

_He headed down the street, turning the corners and checking for cars. There wouldn't be many people around because it was roughly 10._

_Connor remembered all the rules his Mom had told him about going to the party:_

_\- don't leave on your own  
\- don't cross the street late at night  
\- keep your phone on loud_

_Here Connor was breaking all three of them. He grinned devilishly, making a mental note to tell Jude about that._

_Jude's house came into view and Connor made a run for it, pulling his phone out on the way and checking the numerous texts from Jude about doing homework._

_His response:_ **look out ur window**

_Connor made it onto the front lawn before standing in front of Jude's window, looking up at it. Luckily, the blinds in the window Connor stood in front of were shut so hopefully he'd get away with it._

_Jude's head popped in the window causing Connor to laugh loudly. Jude grinned, wedging the window open and leaning his head out._

_"Oh Romeo," he joked. "Where for art thou Romeo?" Connor just laughed, causing Jude to laugh more too. "I defy thy Father and refuse thy name!"_

_Their laughter echoed throughout the street, and Jude looked over his shoulder to check no-one was coming._

_"English homework?" Connor asked._

_Jude nodded, cracking a smile._

_"What are you doing here?" He then asked, folding his arms and leaning on the window ledge. "I thought you were at that party"_

_Connor could sense the disappointment in his voice as he said it and he couldn't help but smile anyway._

_Connor held his arms out, "You couldn't come to the party, so I bought it to you"_

_Jude frowned as Connor dug through his pocket and pulled out a packet of something. He then stepped back slightly aiming for Jude's window. Jude's eyes widened, ducking his head as the small packet came hurtling through his bedroom window. It landed on Jesus' bed where Jude was kneeling._

_He picked the packet of Hershey's up, looking back out the window at Connor grinning._

_"Like them?" He called up, a hopeful grin on his face._

_Jude then looked at the packet before looking back at Connor and nodding with a smile._

_"Definitely"_

_The two of them thought they misheard, but Stef's voice rang through the house loudly. Jude turned quickly, his hands gripping to the window ledge._

_"Jude! Lights out soon, love"_

_Jude's eyes widened quickly, "Go" he whispered out the window._

_It was hopeless as Connor was already speeding down the street._

***

**Present Day**

Connor pulled the packet of Hershey's out of his pocket, opening them quietly as the movie had already started.

After all, they were Jude's favourites. It was Connor's way of Jude being there.


	6. Chapter 6

**Present Day**

Connor knew he was awake. He could hear people in the corridor outside. He could hear Jude's life support machine. The sudden bane of his life. He just couldn't see anything.

Connor shut his eyes again and opened them once more. Still nothing. He clutched the side of his bed, not realising his breathing had suddenly lost its steady beat. Connor shut his eyes once more and then physically opened them with his hands. Still darkness. Something was now definitely wrong.

"Hello?" He asked quickly. He turned his head and lost any kind of balance when he tried to stand up. "Hello?" He called, louder. He tried to take a step forward but lost his balance and fell to the ground.

His jaw hit the floor with a loud crack and Connor groaned loudly, pushing himself up and wiggling his jaw about. He grimaced as it hurt like hell but he knelt up and felt his way for the bedside table. He grabbed the emergency button and clicked it multiple times before trying to get back to the bed.

The pain in his jaw increased and he continued to blink and try and see something, anything. He tried taking deep breaths as he pressed the emergency button again.

"Hello?" He called again, this time more desperately. "Someone help me!"

He then heard footsteps, and he figured Dr. Davidson had walked in. 

"Connor?" She asked, quickly sitting next to him on the bed, "what's going on?"

"I can't see" he said quickly, "I can't see at all"

"Right," Dr. Davidson said, "Did you wake up with it?"

"Am I blind?" Connor asked frantically. He then held his hand out toward Dr. Davidson. She took it, placing his hand on the bed 

"No, Connor you're okay. I promise" she answered. "I need you to come with me so we can get you some pills though, okay?" 

Connor just nodded and a lump had formed in his throat. He took a deep breath, trying to stay calm as Dr. Davidson helped him stand. She hooked her arm under Connor's and helped him toward the door.

"Are you going to call my Dad?" He asked, afraid of the answer. "Please don't call my Dad"

Dr. Davidson sighed, "Connor I have to"

Connor just shook his head, not managing to swallow the lump in his throat. A sob escaped his mouth and he pulled away from Dr. Davidson. "Please don't call him"

"Connor," she tried, turning back toward him.

Connor felt so lost he just crumpled in a pile. He fell to the floor and rubbed his eyes, wishing, hoping the sight would come back. The darkness just added to how lonely Connor felt living in a hospital. The darkness seemed like a lesson, a punishment for Connor to say he hadn't suffered enough. 

True, Connor hadn't suffered that bad compared to other patients. Taylor, Andy. But Connor had suffered before and he knew the outcome.

If Connor was okay, Dr. Davidson wouldn't have to call his Dad and he wouldn't get cranky. Connor knew exactly how cranky his Dad got when he was called to the hospital out of the blue. He claimed he had a busy work schedule and he booked time off to see Connor and that's why Connor knew it was bad when they would call him in for something. If only Connor was okay.

That's the thing: Connor wasn't okay. He was far from it.

"Nurse!" He heard Dr. Davidson shout, heading out into the corridor.

Connor pushed himself back on the floor only for him to hit the front of Jude's bed. Somehow, Connor stopped crying as he leaned against the bed. Somehow, calling his Dad didn't matter anymore. Jude was there. Not in the way Connor needed him but he was there.

Next thing he knew, he was hoisted up by two people and sat into a wheelchair. He gripped onto the sides of the chair as he was wheeled out of his room quickly and down the hallway.

"Connor?" He heard Taylor's voice behind him. "Connor"

"Taylor" he said, trying to turn in the chair. "Taylor where are you?"

"What's going on? What's wrong with Connor?" Her voice gradually got further away and Connor just sunk back into his chair. He put his head in his hands, clawing at his hair angrily as he fought back another sob. He wanted to scream, thrash against the nurses wheeling him away, run away from all of it. Connor had never felt more lonely in that moment in time but he wanted to get away from everything. 

He let out a loud cry, squeezing his eyes shut as he cried. If he reacted this badly now how would he react if he actually became blind? Not if, more like when.

When Connor lost all sight, he figured he might possibly go out of his mind.

***

Connor woke to a dingy hospital room. He was over the moon. 

He instantly leapt up in the bed, staring around the room miraculously. The sight in his left eye was back to normal. However, the right eye had gotten worse. Almost everything was grey. A blur. A mush of everything in one where darkness took over.

Looking to his left, he spotted Dr. Davidson by the door, his Mom sat in the chair next to him and his Dad stood behind her.

He instantly shrank back down into his bed as he saw the scowl on his Dad's face. In that moment, Connor wished, hoped, the bed would swallow him whole. Who cares if his eyes were working if his Dad was in the room?

"Hey," his Mom said instantly. Her face lit up and she leaned forward in the chair quickly. "How you doing? Can you see again?"

Connor just nodded, letting his Mom hold his hand as he lay back down in the bed fully. He looked at her face, obviously she had been crying as her cheeks were red and blotchy. The sad thing was he didn't know whether it was over Connor or his Dad.

"What's going on?" Connor asked, sitting up slightly. As he spoke, his jaw ached and he frowned slightly. He was still worried as to why his Dad hadn't said anything. Dr. Davidson headed into the room fully, Connor watched his Mom turn at the sound of her footsteps. She sat in the other chair next to Connor's bed.

"I've been waiting for you to wake up," She said, crossing her legs in front of Connor. Connor looked toward his Mom awkwardly.

"Adam," She snapped, pulling him over toward them. "You need to listen to this"

Dr. Davidson hesitated as Adam perched on the edge of Connor's bed, causing him to shuffle to the other side of the bed slightly. He watched his Dad tighten his grip on the side of the bed before gulping. "Obviously, the tumour has gotten worse and the scan we took earlier on shows that it has spread over most of Connor's left eye"

Connor sighed, looking between his parents to see their reactions. It wasn't really a shock to Connor, that the tumour had spread. He knew it would eventually, he was just waiting for the day. Obviously, today was that day. 

"Because the tumour has suddenly started to spread, it means it will continue spreading til the whole of your left eye is covered. Which means, partial blindness" Dr. Davidson replied. 

She then looked directly at Connor, probably slightly fazed as to why he wasn't freaking out. It was just another bump in the road for Connor, he almost didn't care.

"Your eye is swollen for the moment but that should go down after a few hours" Dr. Davidson continued. "However, once the tumour eats the cells in your left eye, it will spread to your right eye. The only way out of this is an enucleation in your left eye before the tumour spreads to the right one"

"But we've been on the waiting list for over a year now" Adam snapped, leaning forward on the bed slightly. "We can't just speed that up or jump the queue"

"Adam," Connor instantly looked toward his Mom as she snapped at him again.

"What, Jen?" He snapped back. "That god damn list shouldn't determine who has been on there longest, it should be who needs it most" 

"All the kids who have the same kind of cancer as Connor need it as much as he does, we can't change that" She replied.

"What if the tumour spreads to his right eye before the enucleation? Then what?" Adam snapped. "Are you just going to take that one out as well? Or are we back on that stupid waiting list?"

Connor watched his Mom sigh loudly, obviously wanting to shout at his Dad right there and then. He knew she wouldn't, she wanted to feel respected by Dr. Davidson. 

Dr. Davidson just said nothing as Connor shrunk down into the bed more. He wanted to leave, go back to his own room, back to Jude but obviously that wouldn't happen any time soon. He decided to just sit there and listen to his parents argue. The same old. 

"I'll leave you too it," Dr. Davidson began, standing from her chair. "Leave you to talk"

"One more thing," his Mom asked as Dr. Davidson headed for the exit. "Can we take him out for a few hours?"

Connor instantly widened his eyes, sinking down into his bed quickly. Lunch with his parents? Having to talk to them? Being away from Jude? 

No, no, no, NO PLEASE NO.

Dr. Davidson shrugged, "You'll have to check with reception, see how long he's allowed out. Give it a few hours though, so he can recover"

She then left and Connor was gutted. Alone with his parents. No thanks.

"So you're just going to take me out every time something happens?" He snapped as his Mom turned back toward him.

She frowned, "Connor"

"When I turn partially blind shall we have a party?" He asked, "Invite the whole family that'll be great huh"

"That's not what it's like, Connor" she replied, the hurt being expressed in her voice.

"Yes it is though, Mom. It's pity. You pity me after what happened today so you want to treat me" He replied, raising his voice slightly causing his Dad to turn to him.

"Don't talk to your Mom like that" He snapped, instantly pointing a finger at Connor.

Although he was scared by his Dad, he couldn't back down. "Or what?"

***

The three of them ended up in a coffee shop down the street. Connor kept his eyes strictly on the cup in front of him full of a hot chocolate turned cold whilst his parents made small talk. 

Small talk was rubbish - Connor was the only reason they were still talking. They spilt but didn't divorce because they hated each other so much that they couldn't even be mature enough to schedule a court date and get a proper divorce. So his Mom was still known as Jennifer Stevens which she absolutely hated. It was easier than correcting every Doctor that addressed them as Mr and Mrs Stevens.

"Well this is nice" Connor looked up toward his Mom briefly before back at the hot chocolate. She then nudged him slightly, "Right?"

"Leave him, Jen I don't even know why you bought him out. He's too caught up in being alone at that stupid hospital. Away from all his friends" 

"I have plenty of friends, Dad" Connor then snapped, looking back up. Jude, Jude, Jude. "If only you visited more you'd know"

Adam's face hardened quickly and he leaned in closely to Connor. "What did you just say to me?"

"Stop arguing," Jen snapped, looking between them both. "We came out to have a nice peaceful lunch and here you are ruining it" she then turned back to Connor. "Sweet, I know you're sad about what happened earlier but-"

Connor frowned instantly, "Sad?" He asked. "If anything, I'm relieved. One step closer to not having to look at you two try and co-operate just for my sake"

Connor then stood, grabbing his cane and heading toward the door of the cafe. He gripped his cane tightly, the anger bubbling out of him quicker than ever.

He had headed a few steps down the street when the firm hand grabbed his arm, turning him back around. He then spotted his Dad looking down on him.

"Do not walk away from us like that again, do you hear me?" He snapped.

Connor hesitated before gulping. He then yanked his arm away from his Dad. "Crystal clear. Take me home, please"

"Home?" Adam asked, frowning.

"The hospital. Take me home" Connor repeated, tears bubbling in his eyes.

"Connor that place will never be your home" He answered.

"Funny, seems like it is right now"

***

"Knock knock" 

Connor buried his head further into his pillows, clutching the duvet tighter around his chin. Now was the worst time for someone to come and talk to him. He had bottled everything up tightly once he got in before collapsing in his bed and crying. "Go away" 

"Hey," he then recognised the voice as Taylor's. She headed toward him, sitting on the bed next to him. "What's up?"

"Everything" Connor answered, not bothering to turn around. "Please go away"

"We bought you some cookies" there was a second voice this time which Connor recognised as Daria's.

"Take them back" he answered, keeping his eyes jammed shut and the duvet high up to his chin. 

"Leave them on the side" Taylor said, quieter but Connor still heard her.

"I don't want your cookies," he finally turned around, facing the two of them. Their faces changed instantly as they probably spotted Connor's blotchy cheeks. Something he got from his Mom, sadly. "Just take them back"

Taylor never replied but Daria kept ahold of the box of cookies.

"Where's Andy?" Connor asked, covering his eyes with his hands.

"In the games room. You missed dinner Connor, it was your favourite. Cheese burgers" Taylor said, shuffling closer to him on the bed.

"I hate cheese burgers" Connor lied. He was already 100% sure Taylor didn't believe him. 

"Don't lie. What's wrong?"

"I don't want to talk about it" He answered, sighing.

There was a small silence, "Well. We'll be in the games room if you want us"

Taylor then headed back toward the door, Daria following. As Taylor headed out, Daria held back.

"Connor?" She asked.

He sighed loudly, "What?"

"If it helps cheer you up, think of something happy"

Connor then looked up quickly, looking over toward the door where she was stood. She had gone, leaving the box of cookies on the counter by the door. Connor then looked over toward Jude.

He knew exactly what to think of.

***

**November 02 2013**

**Tell personal things/secrets only when you're ready to significant best friend.**

_Rule Two in Jude and Connor's friendship guide._

_Connor was giddy with happiness. It was such a good day for him._

_During lesson changeover Jude had approached him and told him he had something important to tell him so of course Connor was completely anxious all through his first few lessons._

_Lunch finally came and the two of them met where they always met (the bench under the tree)._

_Jude was silent for a few minutes at first, a devilish smile playing on his face as he chewed on his sandwich._

_Connor barely touched his food, waiting for Jude to speak. Connor had never seen him this happy (Jude was always happy but this was like a new LEVEL) and he wanted to know why._

_"Are you going to tell me then?" He asked instantly. He couldn't wait a second longer._

_Jude smiled, nodding. He chewed the last of his sandwich before leaning into the bench toward Connor._

_"So," Jude said, "Stef and Lena found my Dad"_

_Connor's eyes widened, "Like, your real one?"_

_Jude nodded, grinning hugely. "They're going to arrange a meeting so that I can see him"_

_Connor smiled, his insides going warm at the happiness spread across Jude's face. He had mentioned his Dad before so Connor knew it was kind of a big deal for Jude. Nevertheless, he was happy for him._

_"That's awesome Jude," Connor said, grinning too. Jude looked down at the bench, smiling to himself as he messed with the tinfoil his sandwiches were usually wrapped in._

_"There is another thing" Jude said, looking back up toward Connor._

_Connor raised his brow, popping a grape into his mouth. "Huh?"_

_"Stef and Lena were going to bring Callie with us but she doesn't want to go," Jude replied, looking kind of sad. Connor frowned, his mouth drooping slightly. Jude had also mentioned that Callie was touchy on the family subject so it didn't really surprise Connor._

_"So they said I could bring someone else" Jude said, pulling Connor out of his thoughts. "And I was wondering if you wanted to go with me?"_

_Connor's mouth curled into a huge grin and he nodded instantly._

_"Why is that even a question? Of course I do"_

_Jude smiled, looking back at the bench, nodding._

_"Okay, cool"_

_Connor could only smile more, Jude's happiness was contagious._

_The two of them ate every upcoming lunch discussing what they were going to tell Jude's Dad. The list got longer with every day and then the day actually came and Jude forgot it._


	7. Chapter 7

**Present Day**

Connor found himself sat next to Jude's bed. It had been a few days since the incident with his parents and he'd mostly shut himself away in his room instead of talking to people about it. The only person he spoke to was Dr. Davidson because he had to. He hadn't spoken to Taylor since she came with Daria and the cookies and Andy was even longer ago.

He looked down at Jude, looking at his pale face and his bruised eye. He didn't understand how the same accident had done this much damage to Jude and barely anything to Brandon or Mike. Connor had seen both of them over the past few days as they had both visited Jude.

Connor's hands shook as he ran his fingers through his hair. He shut his eyes, prepared to fall asleep on the side of Jude's bed. Instead, he took a deep breath and continued to look at him.

"I don't know what to do, Jude" Connor whispered. 

He then shook his head, feeling a few tears bubble in his eyes, "I don't know what to do"

Connor didn't really know what he was upset about. The fact he'd argued with his parents, the fact his eye was getting worse or the fact the next time his Dad came to visit Connor was certainly getting a mouthful. It was either one of those options or all of them.

"So I'm an idiot" Connor said, sitting closer to Jude in his chair. "And I had an argument with my parents. But I don't really know if that's the issue. My eye is getting worse and I don't really know how to deal with it" 

Obviously Jude couldn't respond but Connor still left pauses between his speech so that he could at least think of what Jude might say in response and so that he didn't feel like he was talking to himself.

"I don't know how I'm going to deal with the fact that I won't be able to see anything soon" he said. "I just don't know what to do I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being here, Jude" 

Another silence. Connor looked down toward Jude's hand that lay close to his own. 

"I just know that if you were awake" Connor continued, "You'd make everything seem okay and I wouldn't feel so alone in all of this"

Silence.

"Because I am really lonely, Jude. I feel like when the vision goes, so does everything else and I'm shut off from the world in my own bubble. And I don't want to feel that lonely already. It's not supposed to be like this now"

Silence and Connor took Jude's hand. It was so lifeless and cold that it scared Connor. It wasn't supposed to be like that. It wasn't supposed to be like this at all. Nothing was, none of it.

Connor then tried to lighten the mood as he had depressed himself and if Jude could hear anything he was saying, he'd probably depressed him too. "Not like you really want to hear stories about my cancer so I'll try and think of something else to talk about"

Connor never thought of anything else to talk about as the silence overtook him. He sat there, still gripping onto Jude's hand tightly. This might be the only chance he gets because when Jude wakes up, he isn't exactly going to be on 'friendly terms' with Connor. Not after the way he left it. 

The silence was peaceful and soothing and of course that meant it wasn't going to last long. The footsteps approached Connor's room and he didn't have time to move away from Jude before his Dad appeared at the door.

He actually looked kind of happy to start with and Connor was momentarily shocked. He then frowned, storming into the room quickly and looking at Connor sat next to Jude's bed.

"What are you doing?" He snapped, looking between the two of them.

Connor didn't know whether to lie or not but by the look on his Dad's face he'd already figured it out. "I'm talking to Jude. I don't suppose you remember him. He was in a car accident, he needs to be here, Dad"

"Not this again, Connor god damn it" He shouted, turning toward the door and sighing loudly. Connor frowned, almost unsure of what his Dad was getting at.

"He's in a coma" Connor replied awkwardly. "I was just keeping him company-"

"You don't keep dead people company, Connor" Adam replied, turning back toward him.

Connor jumped from the seat next to Jude's bed, "Jude is not dead!"

"Connor what do you think happens to people in comas?" His Dad walked toward him, looking down on him. Connor hated it when he did that, he absolutely hated it. 

Connor just stared at him, his eyes wide with fear. He then shook his head, backing away from him. "No," he shouted. "You're wrong!" 

He was wrong. He had to be. God, please let him be wrong.

"I don't want you talking to him again, do you hear me?" He snapped, pointing a finger at Connor. He knew better than argue back, especially after the other day. "You go around talking to him, people will think you're crazy, Connor. Do you really want the low life's in here to think you're crazy as well as sick?" 

Connor's mouth gaped and he frowned at his Dad. "How dare you say that!"

"Don't test me, Connor" he snapped.

"Looks like being 'sick' runs in the family" Connor retorted. After he said it, he wanted to take it back because he saw his Dad come toward him. Instead of the usual punishment, he just grabbed his shirt. Connor was used to it and he now knew how to react. He knew how to look fearless when in actuality he was shaking.

"Don't you dare say that again, do you hear me?"

Connor just nodded, letting his Dad let go of his shirt. He swallowed as his Dad backed away from him. Connor then spotted Dr. Davidson at the door, a frown on her face.

"Is everything okay, Adam?" She asked, looking toward Connor's Dad. He looked at Connor once more before smiling briefly at Dr. Davidson. 

"Fine" he said. He then held a bag out to Connor before dumping it on his bed. "Just bought you these"

Dr. Davidson had gone by the time Connor's Dad stormed out the door and Connor watched him leave. He stood in the same position, letting all of his anger build up inside him. He knew it was a bad decision but it was too late. 

Connor grabbed his cane from the side of his bed and threw it across the room, along with the duffle bag that his Dad had left on his bed. All of the clothes that his Dad had bought fell out as the bag flew open and they ended up on the floor the door. Connor just stared at them before he groaned loudly. 

His Dad had taken him from Jude once he was not about to do it again. The thought angered him so much that he stormed out of the room and down the corridor. 

He knocked a bunch of people but didn't care enough to say sorry. He didn't know where he was going but he had to get somewhere. He continued storming down the corridor, the panic in his chest rising as he couldn't see where he was going. He didn't know what was going on around him or who was there and he felt as though everything was spinning whilst he was walking. 

He was definitely grateful for the hand on his arm. 

He turned quickly, spotting Daria in front of him. She was frowning at him and Connor realised he was panting and quite possibly sweating. 

"Are you okay?" She asked, "I was calling you all down the corridor"

Connor just shook his head, quite flustered as he realised he didn't hear Daria calling him. 

"Where are you going?" She asked.

Connor shook his head again, "I don't know"

Her hand was still on his arm and she pulled on it, turning him toward her. He didn't bother fighting and he followed her. He figured he needed to talk to someone so why not Daria?

The two of them headed back to Connor's room and Daria helped Connor pick the clothes that had scattered across the floor up. He shoved most of them back into his duffle bag and shoved it by the side of his bed whilst Daria perched on the edge of it. Connor joined her awkwardly, waiting for her to speak.

"What's going on, Connor? Taylor's worried about you" She asked.

Connor shook his head, "It's just my Dad. We keep arguing and it just puts me in a bad mood that's all"

She looked toward him, turning slightly on the bed. "Well you know that we can all help" 

Connor looked up at her, looking at the small smile on her face. He felt bad for not talking to her more. She seemed nice enough and she obviously cared for him otherwise she wouldn't do all the stuff she had. 

Connor just nodded, "Thanks"

The two of them looked at each other for a few seconds and it was obviously misleading as Daria leaned in toward Connor, ready to kiss him.

In the nicest way possible, he had to push her off. He frowned slightly and she looked away embarrassedly. "I'm sorry" he said, "I can't do that"

She shook her head. "No," she replied, "I'm sorry I shouldn't have"

There was an awkward silence between them and Connor really had no clue what to do. The silence was so awkward he could almost feel it. Daria then shook her head again, getting off Connor's bed.

"It's almost dinner, I better go" she said, heading for the door. She then turned at the exit, "Maybe see you there?"

Connor looked up, nodding at her. "Tell Taylor I'll be there soon"

He looked over toward Jude as Daria left and smiled.

***

**January 21 2014**

_Connor headed to the first place he thought of; the batting cages. Make that the second place he thought of. (The first place was Jude's house but he remembered that Jude said he was going out). Even though the batting cages reminded him of his Dad and that was the one person he needed to get away from at that point he still went there so he could release some of his anger._

_He went through the normal process when he got there, handing the money over and collecting his gear. He began walking down the pathway, watching other people bat along the way. There weren't many other people in the cages but once he found an empty one, he headed inside._

_There was no-one in the cage to the left of him but there was someone in the other side. He watched as the guy hit the ball that came swinging toward him. Pretty mediocre but it was an okay shot. As the guy turned, Connor did a double take. It was Jude._

_"Jude?" He asked, heading toward the metal mesh that separated them. Jude turned at his name, dropping the bat quickly. He looked over toward Connor sheepishly, his helmet swamping his head. Connor almost laughed but then Jude headed toward him._

_"What are you doing here?" Jude asked nervously._

_"I could ask you the same question" Connor replied._

_Jude cocked an eyebrow, "Yeah, well I asked you first"_

_This time Connor laughed and so did Jude. His helmet wobbled on his head and he shoved his hands in his pockets._

_"Uh," Connor began. "I kinda had a fight with my Dad and needed to cool off"_

_Jude nodded, looking toward the ground and kicking the gravel beneath his feet. "I see. That sucks"_

_Connor shrugged, squinting as the sun had come out from behind a cloud. "It's fine. I don't care"_

_Connor did care. He cared a lot. He just didn't want to admit it._

_He then smiled, shrugging off the uneasy thoughts. "Go on then. Why are you here?"_

_"I wanted to come here" Jude replied, looking up toward Connor._

_Connor frowned, "You hate baseball"_

_Jude shrugged, "You don't know that"_

_Connor scoffed, "Every time I talk about it you either roll your eyes, moan, or change the subject"_

_Jude rolled his eyes, "No I don't"_

_"You just did" Connor answered._

_Jude sighed agitatedly as Connor laughed at him. "All right fine. I don't like baseball but I wanted to come here because I suck. And this is going to sound stupid but I wanted to practise before we come for your birthday so that your other friends won't make fun of me because I suck"_

_Connor was silent and he stared at Jude looking at the floor. Jude honestly felt that way? He was there so he didn't look ridiculous at Connor's birthday party?_

_"Jude," Connor began. He didn't really know how to finish the sentence._

_"It's stupid, I know" Jude answered. "But I wanted it to be a surprise"_

_Connor looked at the ground awkwardly, "Sorry"_

_Jude shrugged, still putting on a smile. "It's okay. At least now you can tell me if I'm getting better"_

_Connor looked back up as Jude got back into position, grabbing the bat. He took a stance as the ball came toward him and he hit it across the pitch. Connor's brows raised._

_"Not bad, Judicorn"_

_Jude turned instantly, "What did you just call me?"_

_Connor grinned instantly, "I heard Mariana say it when I called you last week"_

_Jude sighed angrily as Connor burst out laughing. He shook his head, looking over toward Connor clutching his bat. "I'm going to kill her"_

_Jude couldn't stay mad for long though and Connor knew it. And Connor couldn't stay mad at his Dad for long either. Judicorn did suit Jude though and Connor made a note to never ever forget it._


	8. Chapter 8

**Present Day**

"So there's something I gotta tell you," Connor sighed, sitting next to Jude's bed and looking over toward him. He looked the same as always, the black eye didn't look any better. He then smiled slightly, looking toward the ground. "Because it reminds me of something that we laughed about a long, long time ago" 

He paused, trying to imagine Jude laughing, urging him to continue. 

_"Well what is it? Come on, Connor"_

"There's this girl, she's friends with Taylor. You know Taylor, right? Actually you don't" Connor buried his face in his hands sighing loudly. Of course he didn't know, damn it.

"Sorry" Connor replied, looking back up toward Jude. "I didn't mean to do that"

He paused, not really wanting to continue anymore. He thought back to what his Dad said about him, whether it was actually true. He shook his head, picking at the bottom of his shirt. He'd finally learnt to block out negative things his Dad had said, he couldn't stop now.

"Anyway," Connor then said, taking a deep breath. "This girl who's friends with Taylor, her name is Daria. And I kinda had a meltdown after yesterday and she kinda helped me"

Connor then paused, turning toward his bed where the duffle bag sat, all of the clothes still stuffed inside. He could practically hear his Mom's word ringing in his mind; _hang your clothes up, Connor! They'll crease and then you'll look scruffy!_

He shook his head, looking back over toward Jude. He'd missed breakfast again and he had missed dinner the night before. It was weird because he felt better after Daria came but he didn't feel up to dinner or breakfast this morning. 

He then realised he hadn't finished telling Jude his story and he wouldn't feel satisfied if he didn't. "So, Daria helped me cause I wasn't exactly feeling anything" he then paused, "I kinda lost it for a bit"

Do you really want the low life's in here to think you're crazy as well as sick?

He shook his head, holding back a smile. "She tried to make a move on me" 

He knew Jude would have burst out laughing at that point and he just sighed, wishing he could hear him laugh just one more time. "I mean, she's a really nice girl. Don't get me wrong. Just... Not my type?" 

Jude would still be laughing and Connor laughed slightly at the thought. After the moment died, things came flooding back into his mind and he was almost sad again. "I can't believe what my Dad did" 

Jude would pause sympathetically, something Connor liked a lot. Just a small silence to appreciate what Connor was saying, what he was going through instead of something optimistic that was surely not going to happen. Jude knew exactly what to do and all the people who came into Connor's life after he left Jude didn't which is why anger had become a daily routine for Connor. 

"I just can't believe he flipped out so bad. Especially here," He said. "He almost-" Connor then stopped himself, not wanting to even say it. 

He thought he'd passed those days, he thought he'd escaped when he moved into the hospital. He figured his Dad would never in the hospital but yesterday almost pushed it. Connor almost pushed it.

"He almost what, Connor?"

Connor whipped around quickly, eyes widening at the voice. He only spotted her mousy brown hair before she headed into the room quickly. Taylor.

"What are you doing?" Connor snapped. "Were you eavesdropping?"

"Mr. Jacobs sent me to find you, you're late to class" Taylor replied. "What happened yesterday, Connor?" 

Connor shook his head quickly, frowning. "Nothing, it's fine"

"That didn't sound like nothing" Taylor snapped.

"God, Taylor can't you stay out my business for once?" Connor shouted back, standing from the chair by the bed. Taylor frowned, stepping back slightly. She obviously looked offended and Connor really didn't mean to shout but...

"Connor I'm sorry, I-" she replied, coughing midway through her sentence. "I just wanted to help"

"Well you can't, Taylor, okay?" Connor snapped. "Nobody can help me" 

Taylor hesitated and Connor knew exactly what she was thinking. She was just too scared to actually say it.

"Did your Dad," she began, looking at the floor. "You know, hi-"

Connor sighed, "No, Taylor he did not. Look it's fine. Go back to class and tell Mr. Jacobs to stuff it. I have a note from Davidson I'm not going"

Taylor frowned, her eyes narrowing. "You don't have a note"

"Does he know that?" Connor answered. He then shook his head.

"I'm not leaving until you tell me what happened" she said, folding her arms.

Connor sighed loudly, sitting on his bed and laying back. "Fine, stay. Miss class, that's fine. I'm not talking"

Taylor sat on the edge of his bed, arms still folded. "If you don't tell me, I'll tell Dr. Davidson that he hit you" 

Connor jolted up in his bed quickly, looking over toward Taylor. She meant business. "You wouldn't dare"

"So he did hit you?" Taylor snapped, leaning forward slightly.

"No!" Connor shouted, "he didn't god damn it, Taylor"

"Then what happened? Because it was obviously something, and obviously something that scares you" Taylor answered, her tone softening slightly. "I saw your face, Connor. You did not have a normal friendly day with your Dad and I know it"

Connor never replied, but he looked away from Taylor. She wouldn't actually lie, would she? 

"Connor, I just want to help. If there is something going on, you need to tell someone and get help. I promise it will be okay"

Connor paused, still not looking at Taylor. He could feel her eyes on him but eventually he shook his head. "There's nothing going on, okay? Everything is fine. My Dad just got angry, that's all"

Taylor hesitated before nodding, standing from his bed, "okay"

Connor knew she didn't believe him. He didn't know if he'd believe him either.

***

**February 01 2014**

_Connor pressed the doorbell multiple times, practically jumping with words. He just had to tell Jude about his date with Maria, it was a must. It was basically a rule._

_Rule Three in Jude and Connor's Friendship guide:_

**Always give intel after dates.**

_It didn't mean literally after dates but Connor wanted expected home for at least another hour so he figured he'd go to Jude's._

_Brandon answered the door, smiling politely at him as he let him in._

_"Jude's upstairs, just go up"_

_Connor nodded, instantly heading up the stairs as Brandon went toward the living room. He passed Mariana at the top of the stairs and he knocked on Jude's door before sticking his head inside quickly._

_Jude looked up at the knocking causing Connor to grin quickly. He frowned as Connor walked into the room, sitting on Jude's floor opposite his Geography sculpture of a volcano. Pretty impressive to be honest. And Jude claimed he couldn't do the sculpture without Connor, pfft._

_"I thought you were on a date with Maria?" Jude asked, avoiding Connor's eyes as he continually focused on his sculpture._

_"It ended way earlier than I expected. I have so much to tell you"_

_Jude's mouth then gaped and he laughed, "Oh my god, what did she do?"_

_Connor laughed, leaning forward. "You have no idea!"_

_Jude just laughed slightly, not responding._

_Connor frowned, "Are you still mad? I only went out with her because I felt sorry for her, you know that"_

_Jude nodded, sitting back from his sculpture. "Yeah I know that. And I wasn't mad, you just promised to help with the sculpture, that's all"_

_Connor looked at him, a brow raised. "Sounds a little like jealously, Jude Jacob"_

_Jude's cheeks instantly flushed red and he shook his head. "Shut up"_

_Connor grinned, laughing again. "Anyway, the date totally sucked. In the movies she tried to kiss me at least four times. She kept holding my hand and her hand was all sweaty and gross"_

_Jude laughed, pulling a face, "Oh my god, gross"_

_Connor nodded, "I know!"_

_Jude looked toward him, still laughing from what he'd said. Connor watched him stop laughing and smile at him, looking down quickly. Connor just smiled, watching Jude's different reactions. He'd never seen him like this before, he looked so flustered._

_Connor just smiled again, looking down himself before looking to the sculpture. He figured he'd better change the subject as Jude was probably feeling mega embarrassed._

_"So much for needing help," Jude looked up as Connor motioned toward the sculpture. "You did it all by yourself perfectly"_

_Jude just shrugged, looking down embarrassedly. He then smiled again, looking back up to Connor and muttering a small 'thanks'._

_"So I'm forgiven for going on an icky date with Maria?" Connor asked, leaning forward to look Jude in the eye._

_Jude rolled his eyes, "I told you I wasn't mad. But you are forgiven"_

_Connor then laughed again, holding his hand out to shake. "Deal?"_

_Jude laughed too, shaking Connor's hand. "Deal"_

_Somehow when their hands brushed Connor felt completely lost in everything. Lost in Jude._


	9. Chapter 9

**Present Day**

"It's like you're in a movie, and you went into the part where there's the sad music and your friends come and motivate you to get back up to strength but now you're back and ready to kick ass"

Connor frowned, laughing as Andy walked along side him, trying his best to keep up with his crutches. "That might be the weirdest description of my struggles I've ever heard" 

Andy just smiled, as the two of them turned the corner. "No but seriously, we're glad you're not cooped up in your room anymore. Plus games night is literally no fun without you"

Connor just nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets. He had a headache and didn't really want to come out his room but he hadn't been to breakfast in almost two weeks. Dr. Davidson kept bringing him food because he didn't want to come out. He'd been forced to see another doctor because she thought he was 'depressed'. How ridiculous. Can't a guy be alone?

"Yeah I do rock game night" Connor replied, trying to keep the light mood going.

Andy laughed so Connor figured it successful.

"Hey, you haven't seen Taylor recently have you?" Connor asked, looking at Andy out the corner of his eye.

Andy sort of went silent which worried Connor and so he stopped midway through the corridor. They might be late for class now but he didn't mind. 

"Taylor isn't really doing that well" Andy replied.

Connor frowned, "What do you mean?"

"She's practically on bed rest. She's not allowed to do much at all. She has a urine infection which is draining the life out of her as well as her kidney" 

Connor looked toward the ground, remembering that yes this was a hospital and people were ill. Taylor was ill. 

"She's not worried though. She's slightly green in the face so she claims she's Elphaba from Wicked" Andy replied, beginning to walk down to corridor again. Connor followed him, laughing slightly. 

The two continued down the corridor, heading past the reception area only for Connor to take a second look. He frowned, waiting for his vision to clear. He wasn't sure, but it sounded like his Dad.

Andy stopped too when he realised Connor wasn't following. "Isn't that your-"

Vision coming into focus, he nodded. "Yep"

"What do you mean, you can't do that?" Adam snapped, leaning over the desk toward the receptionist. Connor could tell she looked uncomfortable before he'd even gotten close. What was his Dad even doing here? 

"Dad?" Connor asked, instantly moving forward toward him at the mention of Jude's name. He wasn't doing what Connor thought he was, was he? 

His Dad almost ignored him but sent him a brief glance before looking back toward the receptionist in order to rant a lot more. 

"I do not appreciate the way my son is being cared for here!" Adam bellowed, pointing toward the receptionist. Connor identified her as Bethany, she looked terrified. He wondered where Andy was, whether he was still there or if he had gone to class.

"Dad what are you doing?" Connor raised his voice, hoping his Dad would acknowledge him more. He needed to find out what was going on, now.

"Called Jen," another receptionist joined Bethany's side and she turned toward him and nodded. "She said she'd get here as soon as"

"You called Jen?" Adam spat. Connor's eyes widened, now his Mom was getting involved too. "You do not need Jen here, I can handle things well enough on my own. Now you have to at least consider my request or I will remove Connor from the hospital myself"

"Mr. Stevens I'm afraid you can't do that, that's breaking the law and taking away your son's right to get better"

Connor scoffed quietly, if only I were getting better.

"Dad, please just stop" Connor pleaded, causing Adam to turn toward him violently. "What are you doing? I'm not moving, I can't"

"No, Connor!" Adam shouted, glaring down at him. Connor looked up toward him, all the old habits creeping back in. It was a long time that Connor had seen his Dad like this but he still remembered what it was like. He looked angry, his eyes filled with madness. Something inside his mind wasn't working right and every emotion just came pouring out. Every emotion just mixed with anger and he would take it out on the first person who stopped him from getting his own way.

In this case, it was Bethany and the rest of reception. 

"If you do not put my son down for extra therapy, I will personally sue. Every single one of you will be out of a job and people will die just because you didn't do your job properly"

_Extra therapy? For what?_

Connor knew his Dad tended to talk crap during these wild episodes, the anger did most of the talking for him. He knew that he probably couldn't sue the hospital, it would be madness. 

He could sense that the scene would peak soon, and either security would be called or they'd move Connor away and he wouldn't get to see the ending. That's what seemed to always happen and Connor was left oblivious to what the hell was going on.

He figured it had something to do with Jude. Probably trying to get him moved away from Connor because he knew his Dad wasn't Jude's biggest fan. Connor tried to imagine his room quiet again. Jude's whole presence affected him in a way no other person's could and he figured that was magical. He couldn't let his Dad take that away from him just because he forgot to take his meds that day. Just because his illness decided to play up and he decided to take it out on the whole of the hospital. 

His Dad's illness was something Connor never talked about but he figured after this he kind of had to. To explain to Taylor, Andy, Daria. They'd all want explanations. The only person who knew the truth was Jude.

***

**March 11 2014**

_"Hey, Mom, what's inter...mittent explosive disorder? Did I say that right?"_

_Stef stopped biting into an apple and Connor looked up from the desk to see Jude staring at a portable device. Probably an iPad or something, he didn't know._

_His eyes stung and they were red from crying. He didn't know why. It's not like his Dad was dying or anything. It was just a personality thing (he thought, that's what his Mom said)._

_"Why'd you ask, love?" Stef responded, her tone dropping from bubbly to monotonously serious. Connor was freaked out. Stef was rarely like this._

_Jude hesitated, looking toward Connor who instantly looked back down in embarrassment. However he perked back up instantly when Jude put his arm around him. Connor's eyes widened instantly, realising he tensed up under Jude's embrace. Jude had placed his hand on Connor's shoulder and he squeezed reassuringly, causing Connor to wince. Not there, not there. It hurt and he didn't want it to._

_He finally looked up toward Stef who was still waiting for an explanation. Even though she were a police officer, she didn't look the least threatening. She smiled encouragingly toward Connor._

_"Something happened," Connor began. Something he wasn't supposed to speak aloud, especially not to a police officer. "My Dad got really angry and stuff"_

_The whole thing was pretty much a blur to Connor, his mom and dad arguing, then the climax of everything where he just lashed out. Lashed out on Connor._

_"And my mom took him to the doctor" Connor swallowed the lump in his throat, "I don't know why, they only argued. They always argue. It's not like he's sick"_

_Stef sipped from the mug in front of her before placing it back onto the counter. "Connor, you Dad might not me sick with the flu or something. It might be something up here"_

_Stef tapped her forehead, picking the mug up again. Connor instantly frowned, wanting to shrug Jude's arm off him but he didn't. "My Dad's not crazy!"_

_Stef shook her head, "That's not what I'm saying, love. Not at all"_

_Connor sniffed again, "I don't understand,"_

_He winced as Jude tightened his grip around him. His shoulder throbbed, sending a pulsating pain through his arm. Why did it have to be him that his Dad hit? Then again, he was glad it wasn't his Mom. He didn't know what he would do if he ever did anything to her. Maybe the two of them splitting up was for the best._

_Connor looked back up as Stef began talking at him again._

_"Your Dad's mind works in a million different ways to mine, Lena's, even yours. He reacts to things differently, especially bad things. In this case, he doesn't take them well obviously. Your Mom was right to take him to the doctor," She replied. "They can help him to begin to control it,"_

_Connor wanted to believe her but everything seemed to comprehend as lies inside his mind. Nothing made sense._

***

**Present Day**

They can help him, she said. Help him to control it. Connor would have laughed as his Dad can't control anything even with the help of medication.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Stevens but we can't-"

"What's going on here?"

Connor watched his Dad whip round at the voice and he did the same, focusing on the dining area. 

Oh yay, he thought to himself. Dr Davidson here to save the day. 

Connor became less and less dependant on Dr. Davidson as his days in hospital continued, because she literally couldn't do or say anything to satisfy him. And here she was, intending on stopping his Dad from humiliating himself.

Adam instantly turned on Dr. Davidson, beginning to demand things to her. Connor watched, bewildered by the whole thing. Everything started flooding into his mind instantly, what if they did move Jude out of his room? Or moved Connor away from Jude?

He ended up staring into space, the scenes unfolding in front of him. He briefly heard his Mom enter the hospital, walking up to his Dad angrily and pulling him aside. Everything seemed to calm then, his Mom saying stuff which was clearly working.

"Connor?" 

He then snapped up, finding Mr. Jacobs behind him.

"Uh," Connor began, trying to think of an excuse.

"No excuses, just come on" 

Obviously Mr. Jacobs had spotted the bewildered reception and his parents talking in the corner. 

"No" Connor answered, turning toward his parents. He went to walk up to them, Dr. Davidson stopping him abruptly.

"That's definitely not a good idea" She muttered, turning Connor back toward Mr. Jacobs. Connor frowned, trying to look over his shoulder at them. Dr. Davidson still kept hold of his arm, guiding him toward Mr. Jacobs.

"Let go of me" He snapped, trying to pull away. Her grip was tight and she began pulling Connor toward the dining area. "Let go of me!" 

He lost sight of his parents, the last thing he wanted was class. If he weren't being dragged he'd run back to his room. His room seemed like the only escape from the hell that was his actual life. 

When did things get so bad? Why did they get so bad?

Funnily enough it started right when Jude turned up. He wouldn't admit that, though. Not even to himself. Even though Jude caused all this trouble he also caused Connor to smile in times he never thought he would.


	10. Chapter 10

**Present Day**

It had been two weeks and it was visiting day.

Connor had told Taylor, Andy and Daria about everything. Everything with his Dad and everything that had happened in the past. Nothing about Jude though. 

For some reason he still wanted to keep his past with Jude from them. Somehow, it kept things fun. He didn't really know why, but keeping it a secret kept Jude to himself and the memories that kept tugging at the back of his mind were much more enjoyable him being the only one who knew about them. The others didn't need to know. To them, he was the coma kid in his room.

Connor avoided the dining hall. He avoided speaking to anyone because the sickening thought of his Dad showing up put him on edge. He was supposed to show up but Connor didn't know if he actually would.

He buried himself in his duvet and the knock of his door caused him to flinch.

***

Somehow, his Dad resisted the urge to comment on the fact that Jude was still hooked up to a thousand machines in Connor's room. In fact, he was quite normal. It was almost like he'd completely forgotten everything bad that had happened in the past few weeks.

His Dad drove at a relatively normal pace in contrast to how fast he drove when he was angry. Connor didn't dare ask where they were going.

He let his mind wander back to his room, to Jude. Callie, Mariana and Jesus had come to visit this past weekend and Connor made himself scarce out the room. He wanted to avoid conversation for some reason. (No, he wanted to avoid talking to Jesus because he'd make remarks as to why Connor left so abruptly which would then proceed to questions from Callie and Mariana so he figured stay out of the way completely). 

Connor recognised the route as he stared out the window the whole time, he figured his Dad was taking him to a cafe they used to visit when Connor left hospital frequently. Basically, a long time ago.

Connor was wrong. His Dad passed McCarthy's, heading around a corner of a road Connor didn't recognise. He then frowned, shuffling up in his chair.

"Where are we going?"

Adam just cleared his throat, "You'll see"

Connor turned back toward the window, his heart instantly beginning to pound in his chest. His rib cage rattled against the backseat and he continued looking for any sign of familiarity. Still nothing.

Soon enough, his Dad pulled into a side road and stopped about three blocks down. When he started to get out the car, Connor followed looking up at the building in front of them. He was pretty sure he'd never been there in his whole life.

He followed his Dad inside, listening carefully as he went up to the counter. 

"Hi, I have an appointment for my Son, Connor Stevens" 

Connor frowned; appointment for what?

The man behind the desk smiled contently, "Dr. Norton will see you shortly. Please feel free to take a seat in our waiting area"

Connor's Dad headed toward the seats and Connor instantly followed him. "A doctor? You bought me to see a doctor when there are at least five hundred back at the hospital?" 

Adam's jaw locked and he turned toward Connor, "Not that kind of doctor"

Not that kind of doctor? Connor was only more and more anxious at this comment, wondering what type of doctor his Dad actually meant.

"Dad why are we here?" Connor snapped. "Please tell me what's going on"

His Dad turned to him, "We're here to sort you out because the doctors back there refuse to help you"

Connor frowned just as his name was called, and a female doctor came into sight. 

"Connor Stevens?" 

Connor looked between them bewilderedly, watching his Dad usher him upward. 

"I'll be out here waiting" He replied.

Connor gulped. "Connor?" The doctor persisted, smiling at him as he looked at her quickly. 

Connor shook his head, "No"

Adam's eyes widened, "Connor,"

Connor shook his head again, more violently this time. "No!"

"Connor!" 

"I don't need to see a doctor! There's nothing wrong with me!" Connor shouted, standing and backing away from his Dad. 

"There is!" Adam shouted back, "I can't have you walking around that hospital with people knowing you're screwed up in the head!"

Connor stopped, frozen. Jude. This was about Jude. Connor was being told he was mentally sick, just like his Dad, because he proceeded to talk to Jude daily. Connor needed to get out of there fast and he would have run if he knew where he was. 

"The only person screwed up in the head, is you" Connor snapped, "I can't believe you bought me here!"

"Connor," Adam snapped quietly, "Get inside"

Connor lurched for a chair, grabbing it and hurling it at his Dad. Luckily it missed due to Connor's poor aim, something he'd lost after a whole year of not playing baseball.

"Take me home!" Connor screamed, alarming both the doctor and receptionist. Adam was silent and the receptionist spoke up.

"Sir, I think that it's best you leave the premises and find somewhere else to doctor your Son"

Connor's anxiety faded; he won that round but he wouldn't win the next one.

***

**March 14 2014**

_Connor could feel the buzz flowing off Jude's house as he walked toward the front door. He had been called urgently (_ **Connor plz come ITS URGENT** _was the text he'd gotten from Jude) by Jude, to come and rescue him from being peed on some random drunk._

 _Rule Four of Jude and Connor's friendship guide:_ **Evacuate parties if significant best friend is uncomfortable.**

_The door was open, people flowing in and out and Connor remembered Jude mentioning that it was Mariana and Jesus' 16th party in another text Jude had sent him on the way here._

_Jude was only allowed Connor over to make sure Jude didn't get trampled on; and Connor was okay with that._

_He headed toward the door, pushing past the people stood in the doorway._

_Some kid shouted something at Connor for pushing past him ("Hey, watch where you're going asshole!") but Connor didn't care._

_He spotted some familiar faces from school who Jesus hung around with (Noel Burr, the guy everyone supposedly worships and his girlfriend Sarah Hopkins)._

_Connor avoided them, spotting Brandon with some people and he headed straight through to the kitchen and found Callie._

_"Hey Connor!" She cheered, smiling toward him. Connor could sense she was a tiny bit drunk and it made him laugh slightly._

_"Hi, Callie" Connor replied, smiling._

_"Jude is about, somewhere" she said._

_Connor just nodded, "Thanks"_

_He knew Jude wouldn't be about in the party, but probably upstairs in his room. Connor headed straight up._

_The music sort of faded as he climbed the stairs, heading past a few people sitting on random steps. He went straight for Jude's room, not bothering to knock as he probably wouldn't hear._

_Jude jumped at the sight of Connor, pulling his ear buds out and looking up toward him. "You scared me,"_

_Connor smiled slightly, watching Jude place his hand on his heart and take a deep breath, "Sorry," Connor replied._

_"Thanks for coming," Jude said. "I'm terrified"_

_Connor perched on the edge of Jude's bed - Jude gathering his ear buds together. "You've obviously never had a real party before"_

_Jude shook his head, "Guilty"_

_Connor smiled again, noting Jude messing with his ear buds nervously and continually looking down at the polka dotted bedspread. "It's okay, though"_

_Jude looked up, "It's kinda lame"_

_Connor shook his head, "Not really. Everyone's different. Or as my Mom would say, some caterpillars transform to butterflies faster than others but that doesn't make them any better than you"_

_Jude paused, smiling widely. "That's really nice"_

_Connor nodded, smiling at the happiness spread across Jude's face. He usually makes fun of his Mom for her cheesy motivation one liners but this one actually made sense, and it made Jude happy._

_"If you think about it, caterpillars who don't transform at first are better, because they grow to their full potential, and then they'd be the most badass butterfly, beating all the other weak ones who had already gained their wings"_

_Jude laughed, and Connor laughed too, noticing Jude relax into his bed. Connor shuffled on further, placing his backpack down at the foot of the bed._

_"Thanks" Jude said. "For cheering me up. Not a lot of people know how to do that"_

_"Don't mention it," Connor smiled, "I guess I have the skill no one else does"_

\-- 

_Connor woke a few hours later to his phone buzzing on his chest. The music still blared and he tried to sit up. A few seconds later he realised he was tangled as Jude's arm was around him, and his head just about resting on his chest. Connor was surprised that his phone hadn't woken him._

_Connor ignored his phone, placing it on the floor quietly before laying his head back down. He smiled, but it only lasted a few seconds before a warm feeling swirled in the pit of his stomach and his heart began to pound._

_Connor focused on the pounding of his heart, counting the beats until the noise became unknown in his head as he began to drift back to sleep soon enough._

_One thing he did notice was that the warm feeling somehow soothed him back to sleep and when Jude moved away Connor shot straight back up._


	11. Chapter 11

**Present Day**

Connor had gone back to closing himself off in his room. He hadn't seen his friends in days and the feeling was now becoming familiar and neutral. That clearly wasn't good.

His Dad hadn't visited since the whole "my son is so screwed up I'm taking him to a doctor" incident. Connor didn't know if it scared him or relieved him. 

However, today was visiting day and Connor had yet again no intention of going. But his Dad showed up at his door with a duffle bag.

Connor dared to speak first. "What's with the duffle bag?"

Adam never answered, he only walked into the room and headed over toward Connor's bed. "Don't think I haven't forgotten, Connor"

Oh, he knew. Connor was just awaiting the punishment and he figured the duffle bag had something to do with it.

"I never said you forgot" Connor answered plainly.

"Don't get funny with me, Connor" he snapped. "I cannot believe you embarrassed me in front of those well respected doctors"

Connor frowned, "But it's okay for you to embarrass me in front of my doctor, my friends and the people I see on a daily basis?" 

Adam lurched forward, Connor's technique of pretending not to flinch coming into play. He grabbed Connor's wrist and Connor could feel his grip tightening around it.

Connor looked over toward Jude, almost begging for help. But obviously none would come. 

"You asked about the duffle bag?" Adam asked, letting go of Connor's wrist. "We're going on a little trip"

The words 'little trip' coming out of his father's mouth may have been the most terrifying thing Connor had ever witnessed. A 'little trip' to Adam Stevens was not going to be a little trip. 

He started gathering Connor's things together from the wardrobe opposite his bed whilst Connor fumbled for a pen and paper. He scribbled a note, heading over to Jude quickly and tucking it just under the duvets. 

Connor looked down at Jude, the bruise on his face dying down slightly. He began to almost look normal, all apart from a million different tubes sticking out of him. He hadn't had an update on Jude's condition as he hadn't seen any of his family in a while. He wondered whether they knew if Jude would wake up again yet. As bleak as it was, Connor processed the thought of Jude never waking up again. 

His Dad soon finished packing a duffle bag, urging Connor to grab a jacket. He did as he was told, knowing fully well, after countless battles before, not to argue. Connor shut the door behind him, taking one last glance at Jude as his heart began speeding up. 

The two of them headed straight for reception, Connor not even being given the chance to say bye to either Taylor or Andy. He figured just as much. 

His Dad signed him out, Connor waving uneasily to Bethany behind the counter. He followed his Dad to the car, slowly climbing in the passengers side whilst Adam packed the duffle bags into the trunk. 

The journey was quiet to begin with and Connor wanted so badly to ask where they were going. He figured it would cause an unnecessary argument so he decided something else.

"How long will I be out? It's just it's games night tonight and I promised Andy and Taylor I'd be on their team" Connor said.

This was a lie, and Adam knew as his hands tightening on the wheel in front of him. "We're going home, Connor"

Connor frowned, the sentence alone sending his mind into a whirlwind. "What?"

"We're going home, the two of us. You're not going back to the hospital"

_My dad has taken me out for a 'day trip' which might not end well. If I don't return, call my mom: 0121-348-2399_

_\- Connor S_

***

**March 16 2014**

_Connor headed down the path after waving toward Jude. His Dad was by his side and quite clearly putting on a fake exterior for Jude, Callie and Jesus stood at the doorway._

_Connor had spent a lot of time at Jude's since the incident at Jesus' party where they both ended up asleep on Jude's bed as it somehow made their friendship stronger. But Connor knew his Dad didn't like it._

_As the two of them retreated to the car and Adam began to drive off, Connor could sense the unmentioned tension creep in. He knew his Dad wanted to say something to him, it was just a matter of when. And what is was._

_The quizzical questions started, Adam beginning with: "Why do you spend so much time at Jude's?"_

_Connor frowned, "Because he's my friend"_

_"You have other friends, why don't you spend time with them?" Adam asked, his hands tightening on the wheel in front of him._

_"I do spend time with them" Connor replied, becoming quite agitated with his Dad._

_"Well why do you spend so much time with Jude?" Adam snapped, Connor flinching in his seat._

_He shrugged, "I don't know, I guess-"_

_Adam cut him off. "Connor are you gay?"_

_There it is._

_Connor paused, his mind whirring loudly and his heart pounding. "No"_

_He could have sworn he saw his dad sigh with relief so he ended up frowning, sending the quizzical questions his way. "So what if I was?"_

_Adam groaned, and Connor realised that this was probably his predicted reaction. "That's not the point-"_

_"Would you disown me or something?" Connor snapped. "Make me go and live with Mom?"_

_"Connor!" Adam snapped, "You're not going anywhere because you just said you are not gay. So why are we still having this conversation?"_

_Connor was silent for the rest of the journey, overthinking random things that popped into his head after what he had said to his Dad._

_Knowing him, he would end up living at his Mom's if he were gay, because his Dad can't even watch TV shows with gay people in without making a stupid comment._

_Also, if Connor were gay, he could guarantee his Dad would instantly ban him from seeing any of his male friends. Just because it satisfies him. He wouldn't think how Connor would feel. No more baseball, no more friends. No more Jude._

_Connor stifled through the final over analysed thought that entered his mind: what if he was gay?_


	12. Chapter 12

**Present Day**

Connor was currently sitting locked away in a holiday cabin with his Dad pacing the floor below him. He was completely shut off from everyone and he figured that was his Dad's intention. To shut him off from his Mom, the hospital - Jude.

Everything seemed to come down to Jude and Connor hated it. He hated the reason that just Jude's presence in the room can cause this kind of battle between Connor and his Dad.

Jude was also the reason Connor had to find a way out of there.

Connor couldn't let his Dad be the reason he never saw Jude again. That wasn't how the story was supposed to end. This is just a minor writer's blip. 

Connor would see Jude again. He would.

Connor looked around the bedroom in the cabin (in the middle of nowhere) and spotted the duffle bag on the bed. It was a long shot but there could be something inside to help him.

He walked over quietly, still listening to his Dad pacing around downstairs. Unzipping the duffle bag, he found clothes balled up from his wardrobe along with random aerosol sprays and tooth paste. He also found his phone.

He sat on the floor by his bed, somehow figuring it would shield him a bit if his Dad came in. Rifling through his phone, he found his Mom's number. 

"Connor!" His Dad's voice boomed through the small cabin, "Dinner!"

Connor's eyes widened as he pressed the phone to his ear quickly. It painstakingly rang for what felt like minutes. Straight to voicemail.

Connor frowned, his hands beginning to shake. Why did she have to be busy now? Why now? Connor hadn't felt this terrified since before he moved to the hospital. Before his Dad got his pills and therapy.

"Connor!" He shouted again, footsteps thundering up the stairs. 

Connor tried again with the phone, the ringing becoming faint in his ear as his dad's footsteps got closer. His heart pounded, all the sounds around him colliding into one causing his head to spin.

"Connor?" His Mom's voice bought him back to the call. "Are you okay, honey?"

"Mom," Connor said, "Please come quickly, Dad came to the hospital and took me and we're at the cabin in-"

Connor's head went bang into the dresser as his Dad's hand took the phone from him. Loud ringing formed in his head, the vision in his good eye fading slightly. 

"I called you, twice!" Adam snapped, throwing the phone across the room. "Who was that, huh?" 

"No-one!" Connor shouted, covering his ears as his Dad shouted more.

"Who?"

Connor never said anything but lowered his hands away from his ears, still staring at the floor. He couldn't tell him, his Dad would make him move again and then his Mom would never find him.

He held onto the slight hope that his Mom got some of the message and would come as soon as possible. And bring the police.

"If you're not going to talk, then no dinner for you"

Connor ignored him as he walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Luckily there was no lock. Adam stormed down the stairs before Connor relaxed against the bed quickly, tears worming their way out of his good eye. 

What happened to Connor's normal life?

***

At least an hour later, there was loud banging on the cabin door. 

Connor perked up instantly, listening as closely as he could. 

"Police! Open up"

Connor's eyes widened and he grabbed his duffle bag and ran for the door. He opened it quietly, listening to the banging on the door increase.

"Mr. Stevens, we know you're in there open up," 

The banging on the door increased and Connor had no idea where his Dad was. Had he made a run for it?

"Adam," Connor heard his Mom's voice from behind the door, "Come on, Adam open the door"

"Mom," Connor whispered, running for the stairs. "Mom! Mom I'm here!"

Connor headed toward the stairs, the door bursting open at the officer's call. He ran down the stairs, his eyes on the police officers running into the house. He spotted his Mom, arms open with a worried grin on her face.

And then it went dark.

***

**March 24 2014**

_Connor headed out of class, the grin on his face disappearing as he realised he had to face Jude._

_He had to face Jude._

_22 texts over the last week from Jude, that Connor had ignored._

_He couldn't bare to face him after what his Dad had said. Well, more like what he had accused him of._

_Connor had questioned himself so much since then, hiding out in his room instead of partying and ignoring any kind of social interaction other than school. He questioned whether he acted funny and when someone pulled him up on being too quiet he'd spend even more time over analysing everything._

_Connor headed straight through the cafeteria, ignoring Jude sat on the end the bench that they usually sit at. He was turned around, looking at the sprawl of kids, obviously searching for Connor._

_"Connor!"_

_Jude had spotted him._

_Connor almost ran but Jude caught up to him quickly, "Connor"_

_Connor turned, his eyes widened quickly. Jude frowned with concern, his grip on Connor's arm growing tighter by the second. Either that or it was growing tighter in Connor's mind, the anxiety sharing between the both of them leaving Connor short of breath._

_"Where have you been? I've been texting you all week"_

_Connor shook his head quickly, yanking his arm away from Jude. "I'm sorry"_

_"Connor" Jude said, attempting to follow him._

_"I'm sorry, I can't" Connor said, hauling his backpack further over his shoulder. "I have to go"_

_Connor left Jude stood in the courtyard as he fled for the bathroom. His head reeled with anxiety and fear that Jude may have sensed something was up. He turned back once and regretted it, the look on Jude's face stabbing right through Connor's heart._

_Rule Five of Jude and Connor's friendship guide:_ **always confide in significant best friend if feeling sad** _, ignored._


	13. Chapter 13

**Present Day**

His head throbbed as he opened his eyes.

He was back in hospital and he felt somewhat relieved. Connor's vision in his bad eye had gone completely. 

_Connor was completely blind in one eye._

The rest of the room span as he looked around and his Mom's voice soon soothed his panic. 

"Hey honey" she said quietly, placing a hand on Connor's arm. He flinched quickly, trying desperately to sit up but he felt too weak for that.

Everything filled his mind at once he didn't know what to focus on first. 

"What's going on?" Connor asked hoarsely, "what happened?"

"Firstly," his Mom began, "You've been asleep for a day"

A day? What the hell happened that caused Connor to sleep for a day? That never happened no matter how sad he was. Pieces of what happened popped into Connor's mind sporadically but he was too dumbfounded and confused to piece them all together.

Connor then remembered his Dad.

"Where's Dad?" 

He couldn't see his Mom properly but the shift in responses signalled something was up and Connor knew it. She paused, not saying anything. The topic was then changed completely.

"Connor, you fell down the stairs and hit your head" 

Another voice, Dr. Davidson. Just who Connor wanted to see right now.

"Where's Dad?" Connor repeated.

"Connor can you see anything?" Dr. Davidson asked, leaning over the bed and looking at him. Connor just frowned, tears springing in his good eye. Why wasn't anyone telling him what was going on?

"I can't see out of my right eye at all" Connor said, a lump growing in his throat. He forced himself up in the bed quickly, no matter how much pain it caused him.

He squeezed tears out of his eye as he leant on his elbow and looked at his Mom who was staring at him with a frown on her face.

"Where's Dad?" He asked again, "Why won't you tell me?"

She just looked at Dr. Davidson who dismissed herself and left the room for them to talk. 

"Do you remember anything that happened, honey?" Jen asked, leaning forward in her chair.

Connor's mind was still hazy, his heart rate lowering and beginning to allow him to piece things together in his mind. Connor leaving the hospital with his Dad, Connor calling his Mom, Connor fighting with his Dad, Connor allegedly falling down the stairs and hitting his head and blinding him completely in one eye.

There was only one piece missing from a real juicy story; the source. And in this juicy story the source was Jude.

Connor turned quickly, finding Jude still hooked up to his ventilator across the room. Still steadily breathing, still in a coma, still Jude.

"Connor?" His Mom persisted, dragging his attention back toward her.

Connor frowned, "Dad took me away"

More pieces were coming together and Connor remembered the note he left. He turned to the bedside table: the note was gone. 

Connor remembered his friends, where were they? 

"Where's Taylor?" He asked, turning back to his Mom quickly. "And Andy? Where are they?"

His Mom sighed, "They're in the cafeteria, it's lunch"

Connor deflated slightly, thinking about them sitting there without him. Eating all the burritos without him, joking around without him. Connor clearly wasn't meant to be there.

"They're desperate to see you" She persisted, trying to smile.

"Where's Dad?" He asked once more. Maybe his Mom would finally tell him.

"Your Dad took you to the holiday cabin, right?"

Connor remembered. He remembered spending summers there as a kid, eating roasted marshmallows and dipping in the lake with his Mom. When they weren't split up and when they were happy. 

Connor falling down the stairs unlocked so many things he didn't realise he'd forgotten and it made him want to cry.

"He said we weren't coming back here" Connor said, swallowing the lump in his throat, "he said that this wasn't my home and he was taking me away for good"

Connor rubbed his eye as he began to cry, his Mom perching on the side of the bed and pulling him into a hug. It hurt, but Connor didn't care. She squeezed him, his ribs ached, but he didn't care.

"Oh, my baby," she cooed, sniffling loudly. "It's okay, he won't be able to hurt you anymore I promise you"

Connor frowned, pulling out of their hug slightly. "What do you mean?"

Jen paused, wiping her eyes gently with the sleeve of her jumper. "What your Dad didn't realise was that taking you out of the hospital with no intention of bringing you back is against the law"

_Against the law?_

"And?" Connor questioned.

"And the police had to take him away for that" she replied.

Connor's face dropped quickly, the renegade tears managing to work their way out finally. "He was arrested?"

"Not exactly" Jen continued, "There's going to be a trial next week - you know what a trial is, right?"

Connor frowned, nodding. "Do I have to go?"

Jen nodded sadly, "But I promise you, I will be with you the whole time and your Dad won't be anywhere near you, okay?"

Connor just nodded hazily as his Mom hugged him again. "You'll be okay"

Connor pulled away again, asking the question gnawing at his stomach. "Why do I have to go?"

Jen turned to him, messing with the sleeves on her jumper. "It's up to you whether he goes down or not, honey. You can either press charges for what he did to you, or let him walk a free man"

"Does that mean he won't come visit anymore?" Connor asked.

Jen nodded, "He'll go to prison, Connor. He won't be anywhere near you. God I was so stupid, why did I ever let you stay with him? I knew what he was like"

Connor couldn't say anything as his Mom stood up, tears flowing from her eyes quickly. It pained Connor to see his Mom ache, Connor knew what it was like and he didn't want her to experience it too. Even though he knew she already had, millions of times.

"Please don't make me go" Connor croaked, causing his Mom to turn back. "Please don't make me go near him"

Connor ached, but the truth was finally leaking out. 

Jen sat back at the bed, nodding. "Okay, okay sweetie you don't have to go"

Connor nodded, tears bubbling again. He ached once more, "I don't want him to be free. I want him to go to prison"

And as much as Connor had ached, in those few seconds it disappeared.

***

**March 26 2014**

_Connor was most definitely ignoring Rule Six of Jude and Connor's friendship guide:_ **don't be afraid to tell significant best friend how you're feeling** _, because honestly Connor didn't know how he was feeling._

_As much as Connor tried, he couldn't ignore Jude in Math. He sat three rows behind Jude and was bound to speak to him at some point._

_He stared at his desk as people shuffled around him, Jude walking into the room._

_"Connor"_

_He looked up hesitantly, gripping onto his pen tighter by the minute._

_"Hi" Connor replied, his response croaky._

_"Why haven't you answered any of my texts?" Jude asked, frowning at Connor._

_Connor paused slightly, fiddling with his pen quickly. "Uh, my phone broke"_

_Jude frowned again, "It did?"_

_Connor nodded, "Yeah, I'm waiting for a new one in the post"_

_Jude looked at Connor, eyes narrowed and Connor thought he didn't believe him. Jude's frown then softened, "Oh"_

_Connor tried to smile, wondering if he'd gotten away with it or not. "Sorry"_

_Jude shook his head, "No, it's okay. I shouldn't have jumped on you like that"_

_Connor swallowed hard, Jude hadn't done anything wrong. It was Connor, he was being stupid. His Dad had gotten into his head, saying stuff that most likely wasn't true._

_Connor hated that he could get into his head so easily. He had no control whatsoever which definitely wasn't right._

_"Have you been ignoring me?" Jude asked. "Around school?"_

_Connor frowned, "No?"_

_Before Jude could retaliate, Mr. Haven walked into the room. "All right class, settle down"_

_Jude grimaced, turning quickly. "You know what, it doesn't matter. I'm going to my Dad's on Saturday, he lives in one of those posh apartments in the town centre. Do you want to come?"_

_Connor found himself saying yes even though his head was whirring and things would soon come crashing down if he did._


	14. Chapter 14

**Present Day**

"Connor!"

Connor managed to smile. Small, but it was evidence of him getting better. He didn't know the last time he smiled before then.

He worked out Andy's smile from across their usual table as he beckoned Connor over to sit with him. Taylor was nowhere in sight. Daria sat opposite Andy.

"Long time no see" she said, with a small smile. "How are you?"

Connor shrugged, sitting opposite her and next to Andy. "Better. Thank you"

Andy placed an arm around Connor, squeezing lightly. "We missed you"

Connor nodded, not really focusing on the two of them. He could feel people's eyes on him, people staring and whispering about how he was the kid in room 208 with the psycho Dad. Who was now in jail. Thanks to his Son. What a great story.

"How's Tay?" Connor asked instantly, diverting attention away from himself. He hadn't seen Taylor in weeks, possibly a month. She was deteriorating in his mind and from the world and he hated it.

Andy went sort of quiet, looking back down at his breakfast burrito. "Not good"

Connor sighed, rubbing his good eye. "Update, I can't see now at all in my bad eye. All gone. Now that's over, I need your help with something"

The two of them ignored Connor's comment about his eye and looked toward him. Andy swallowed the bite of his burrito, "Shoot"

Connor turned toward Andy, "So I need you guys to create a distraction while I do something which is really bad"

Andy frowned, Daria slurping at her milkshake. 

Andy then smiled, "Go on...?"

***

Connor prepared everything to the best of his abilities, not really sure what he was doing. He didn't know why he was doing it, it was absolutely crazy and could get him in so much trouble.

He waited on Andy's signal.

Connor looked down at Jude, trying to smile as he looked so peaceful. The bruising on his face was finally going down, the bandage still wrapped tightly around his head. He looked so broken and Connor only wanted to fix him. Because if Jude were fixed, Connor thought maybe he would too.

His crutches came hopping down the hall and his head popped around the door. Andy grinned, nodding at Connor. "Now"

Connor took a deep breath, taking the bar of Jude's bed and looking at him lay inside. "Hold tight. Sorry"

Connor pushed the bed out of the room quickly, turning the corner and heading straight for the elevator at the end of the hall. He started sprinting, Jude's bed rolling down the hall smoothly. 

All the other kids Andy had gotten to help were at their doors and windows watching, cheering and calling his name. Connor grinned wildly, the adrenaline pumping through his veins faster than oxygen. 

He came to an abrupt stop at the elevator before Jude's bed crashed into it. He pressed the button multiple times, looking back over his shoulder for any doctors. The doors opened, Connor wheeling Jude inside and shutting the doors before anyone saw him. 

It was dark when he reached the roof, and Connor was worn out by the time he had wheeled Jude's bed to the edge of the rooftop. 

Connor lowered the bar, being careful of the small oxygen tank Jude was hooked up to. He climbed onto the bed slowly, laying next to Jude's cold body. 

He had five minutes. Five minutes to enjoy the stars, pretend Jude's eyes were scouring the city and hold his hand.

***

**March 20 2014**

_Lena picked Connor up, Jude grinning in the front seat. Connor had lied to his Dad, told him he was going to see a movie with Jude and Ashley._

_Somehow, Connor's Dad accepted Ashley and let Connor hang around with him._

_Jude turned as Connor got in the backseat, waving slightly. Connor smiled, his heart beating way too fast for him to handle. Maybe this was a bad idea._

_Jude turned back in the front seat as the car drove off._

_Connor soon got used it, Jude and Lena singing at the top of their voices to some song Connor had never heard of. Connor tried singing along anyway, Jude laughing at him because he had no clue what the words were. It was just nice to see Jude smile; Connor could embarrass himself for hours if it meant Jude would smile at him._

_Connor felt the warm essence as he entered Donald's apartment, mostly coming from Jude's happiness to see his Dad. Donald accepted Connor like a son which made Connor sort of jealous. He didn't really know why._

_Donald had quesadillas and chips for the two of them, and even though Connor couldn't play to save his life, the three of them played scrabble._

_"So, Jude" Donald said, "You like surprises?"_

_Connor laughed as Jude reached for a chip. "I guess?"_

_Donald grinned, "Get your jackets"_

_They both did as they were told, following Donald out of the apartment. They headed up the remaining flights of stairs, coming to the fire exit at the top. Donald headed out, Jude and Connor both following._

_The sky was a pastel grey, the moon attempting to make its way into the scene. The stars shone brightly in the sky even though it was barely even six thirty._

_Jude was mesmerised by the sight, his mouth gaped at the stars in the sky. The moon lit up every crease on his face, his laughter lines showing as he let out an exasperated grin, looking toward his Dad. Connor didn't look at the stars or the moon; the sight he was mesmerised by was Jude._

_Jude headed toward the edge of the building, Connor following. They both stood at the side, Jude leaning over and looking down at the city below. Connor did the same, his eyes following Jude's and watching the cars go by._

_"You two stay here, I'll get quesadillas and my camera"_

_Donald disappeared and Connor watched him go back through the door but Jude didn't tear his eyes away from the city._

_Jude's hand hung next to Connor's and Connor's heart was thumping louder than the honking cars below. On a whim, Connor reached forward and grabbed Jude's hand._

_(After all, rule 6 of Jude and Connor's friendship guide was:_ **don't be afraid to show how you're feeling** _.)_

_Jude tensed up and Connor instantly regretted it. Jude continued staring below before looking up at the sky once again. Connor side glanced him nervously._

_"It's so pretty" Jude breathed, and Connor instantly went back to looking at the sky._

_He nodded, swallowing quickly. "I know"_

_Jude tore his eyes away from the sky, looking at Connor. He still held onto his hand, surprisingly. He whispered, "Why did you hold my hand?"_

_Connor shrugged, pulling his eyes away from the sky and looking at Jude. The reflections from the stars lit Jude's eyes up and it was almost more beautiful than looking at the sky itself. "It just felt right"_

_Eventually, Jude smiled, his grip tightening on Connor's hand._

_(Connor knew he had stepped too far once and for all.)_


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've written every upcoming chapter of this fanfic therefore I'll post an update every other day. Next chapter coming on Thursday. Enjoy :)

**Present Day**

Still on a high from the rooftop, Connor headed down to the cafeteria the next day for visiting day. He had nothing to fear anymore. His Dad wasn't going to be there. He was certain now.

Connor sat with Andy as his Mom talked on and on about a TV show she'd been watching. She bought Andy cookies and ice cream along with fresh clothes and a few movies to watch. Connor beamed as he looked through the movie list and spotted his favourite movie; _Footloose_. 

Connor was unexpectedly tapped on the shoulder and he turned to find his Mom standing there. 

Connor's eyes widened, "Mom?"

Jen smiled, "Hi baby,"

Connor frowned, "I didn't think you were coming today?" 

Jen shrugged, "Change of plan. I got the day off from work so I came here straight away"

Connor sighed, smiling up toward his Mom. He looked over her shoulder cautiously, wondering if it were all a trick or his mind was playing up on him. "He's definitely not coming, right?"

Jen bit her lip, taking Connor by the arm and leading him to an empty table next to Andy's. The two of them sat down, Connor fumbling for the seat carefully. 

"Your Dad's trial was last week," she said, keeping her tone low. "I took the written statement in and gave it to the judge, he had nothing against it. Your Dad got five years in a hospital that specialises in helping the mentally unstable. We didn't realise how serious his condition is until now"

Connor sighed deeply, staring at the table in front of him. His Mom had pink chipped nails and he somehow focuses on those. Five years in a mental home? Connor wanted to feel bad but had to constantly remind himself that his Dad wanted to hurt him. He did.

"Anyway," Jen said, trying to smile once again. "How are you doing? You look a lot better than the last time I saw you"

The truth was Connor felt happier knowing his Dad wasn't coming to visit anymore but he felt too cruel to say that to his Mom. 

Connor nodded, thinking back to sitting on the roof with Jude and how relaxing it was for those few minutes. Connor felt lost, completely out of this painful world. The two of them were on another planet completely. And it felt so nice.

"Yeah, I'm a little better"

She smiled toward him, taking hold of his hand. "That's good"

Connor let her talk on as his eyes wandered around the room. He looked over toward reception, the visitors coming in and out. His neutral smile dropped when he saw Stef and Lena walk through the doors. Not far behind, followed Brandon, Jesus and Mariana. Where was Callie? 

"Connor," He turned back toward his Mom quickly, realising he'd zoned out. "Are you okay, sweetie?"

Connor nodded, trying not to look over at them again. He smiled at his Mom weakly, "Yeah" 

Connor spotted Dr. Davidson walk down the hall, smiling at him as she spotted him. Behind her, was Taylor. Connor's face lit up immediately. Taylor was in a wheelchair. 

Dr. Davidson headed over toward Connor's table, Taylor following her. 

"Hi, Connor" Davidson said. "How are you?"

Connor nodded, "Better. Thanks" 

Dr. Davidson soon got into a conversation with his Mom as Taylor finally reached their table. She smiled widely even though she looked awful.

"Long time no see" she said hoarsely. "Where have you been?"

Connor shook his head, "I'm sorry"

Taylor laughed, "I'm joking, Stevens" 

Connor laughed, grinning. No matter how ill Taylor was, how much her body was deteriorating, her personality was still 10/10.

"You should have told me you were in a wheel chair" Connor said, "I would have wheeled you places"

Taylor frowned, "Yeah right, a half blind man steering a sick girl in a wheelchair. That sounds like a cancelled FOX comedy"

Connor burst out laughing, Taylor joining him but coughing midway. Connor handed her his glass of water which she gladly took. 

"Anyway," she said. "I came to say bye"

Connor frowned quickly, "What? Why?"

She grinned, "They found me a kidney. Surgery is today then I'm outta here"

***

**April 01 2014**

_Math with Mr. Haven had become a dreaded lesson for Connor. It had been almost two weeks since he went to Donald's with Jude and he had somehow dodged him ever since._

_Jude walked into Math, not even bothering to look at Connor. He didn't walk over, he didn't wave, he didn't ask why Connor was ignoring him, he just sat in his seat, pulling his things from his bag._

_The lesson went on as normal, Mr. Haven dismissing everyone and Connor heading out the class quickly._

_"Connor"_

_His body tensed up, Jude's voice approaching him as he kept walking. Not good, not good. Connor took a seat on the end of the nearest empty table, Jude siting opposite him._

_"Hi" Connor tried._

_Jude frowned, "Why are you ignoring me again?"_

_Connor took a huge bite from his sandwich, preventing him from talking. He pretended to mumble something Jude couldn't understand so Jude started talking again._

_"Did going to my Dad's weird you out or something?"_

_(I was scared I weirded you out.)_

_Connor shook his head._

_"Is it because of," Jude cleared his throat. "The thing?"_

_(I was scared you wouldn't want to be friends with me so I stopped being friends with you first.)_

_Connor shook his head again._

_Jude frowned, leaning back. "What is it then? You've been acting so weird, I'm worried about you"_

_(I was scared I liked you in a way that you didn't like me.)_

_Connor's frown faltered; Jude worried about him. Everything from the night at Donald's flooded back into Connor's mind; all the feelings he had forced out of his system in the past week because he knew they were wrong, they had to be._

_On other days, Connor pictured Jude's Moms'. Their feelings weren't wrong. They were happy. What was stopping Connor from being like that?_

_Connor shrugged, "I'm just snowed under with work and stuff"_

_Jude looked like he didn't believe him for a second, his frown still staring Connor in the face. He had well and truly done it now._

_"Baseball practise has been hell" Connor finished. "I'm sorry"_

_Jude shook his head, clenching his fists together. "No, I'm sorry. I was only following Rule Seven, but it seems like that means nothing to you anymore"_

_(Rule Seven:_ **take extreme measures if significant best friend does not answer after 15 text/calls** _.)_

_Connor frowned, his mouth gaping slightly. "Jude, that's not fair"_

_"No, Connor" Jude snapped, "It's completely fair. You can't just hold my hand and then ignore me for a week. It doesn't work like that, you can't play with my feelings"_

_Jude went to walk away and Connor stood from the table, "I didn't know you had feelings for me"_

_Connor didn't realise he had pretty much shouted that across the courtyard. Jude stopped in the courtyard, turning back toward Connor quickly. He shrugged and Connor just about made out tears prickling his eyes. "How could I not?"_

_Jude walked off and Connor had blown it for good._


	16. Chapter 16

**Present Day**

Connor joined in games night that same evening. 

He teamed up with Daria and Andy in a game of charades, and it turns out they were having pizza and watching a movie afterward. 

Taylor went into surgery around an hour ago, and Connor was waiting patiently for a word on anything. After seeing his Mom, he made Dr. Davidson promise to tell him about Taylor as soon as she heard anything.

Connor still hadn't heard anything.

"Hey, do you think Taylor's out of surgery yet?" Connor whispered, nudging Andy during the movie.

He turned toward Connor, shaking his head. "Davidson would be here"

Connor nodded, turning back to face the movie. "True"

"It's so great she got a kidney," Daria said, joining their conversation. "She told me she's been here the longest"

Connor nodded, "She's been here for almost two years" 

Andy nodded, "On the waiting list for longer"

Daria frowned, "Wow"

Connor nodded, "I can't believe she's lasted this long and she's finally going home" 

He then smiled, looking toward Andy. The three of them had been on the journey for the better part of a year and seeing Taylor go would be a big loss, but for the right reason. She'd finally be happy and out of there.

"Do you think she'll visit?" Andy asked, looking toward Connor. 

Connor frowned, laughing slightly. "Of course! She can't stay away"

Andy nodded, laughing too. "You're right"

The door to the games room opened, Connor turning quickly. He spotted Dr. Davidson talking to Amy - one of the nurses who works on reception - motioning toward Connor in the exchange. 

He stood quickly, Andy grabbing his leg. "Wait, I'm coming too"

Connor shook his head, "No, you stay. I'll tell you when I get back"

Andy looked almost lost as Connor headed toward the back of the games room. Dr. Davidson shot him a tight smile as she beckoned him outside.

Fumbling for the door handle, Connor headed outside. Dr. Davidson followed and as she turned, Connor got a glimpse of her clipboard and name tag hanging on her shirt: Dr. Isadora Davidson.

"Is she okay?" Connor asked, instantly. 

Dr. Davidson frowned, "I'm not Ms. Daniels' doctor so I can't tell you that, Connor you know that"

Connor frowned back, "You promised"

"I'm here to discuss you, Connor been as I'm your doctor" she said, "You have routine therapy on Tuesday, you're medication is updated at the end of the week and-"

"What happened in Taylor's surgery?" Connor snapped quickly.

Dr. Davidson looked taken aback slightly, looking around the hall to see if anyone heard. She cleared her throat quickly, taking Connor's arm and leading him to the chairs outside the game room.

Dr. Davidson sat next to him, "The surgery was difficult" she said, "too difficult"

Connor's heart was pounding louder than ever which definitely wasn't a good sign. "What, what does that mean?"

Dr. Davidson sighed, trying to swallow down emotion. "She didn't make it through the surgery, Connor. Taylor Daniels passed away exactly half an hour ago"

***

**April 18 2014**

_Rule Eight of Jude and Connor's friendship guide:_ **be prepared to face difficulties with significant best friend who is struggling.**

_Connor's eyes stung from crying. He was certain he had red puffy cheeks. But he walked out of the bathroom stall anyway._

_School was over, people flooding the halls as they reached lockers and friends. Connor didn't bother going to his locker and began heading across the courtyard._

_Someone grabbed at his arm, and he flinched quickly, wiping away a stray tear from his eye. It was Jude._

_"Are you okay? He asked, trying not to show too much concern. It wasn't working._

_Connor couldn't take it. He broke down in front of Jude, his face crumpling together and more tears worming their way out of his eyes. Jude ached, and he wrapped his arms around Connor quickly, holding onto him tightly._

_"It's okay" Jude whispered, Connor wrapping his arms around Jude's smaller frame. "It's okay"_

_Connor pulled away from Jude, "My grandma died last night"_

_Jude frowned, sighing. "I'm so sorry"_

_Connor shook his head, looking toward the gravel below him. The moment instantly became awkward, the two of them not having spoken since what happened beforehand._

_"Do you wanna come over? I could make you a hot chocolate" Jude asked. "Try and make you feel a bit better"_

_Connor contemplated it but then he realised he didn't really want to go home to his Dad. Connor nodded, instantly following Jude out the school gate._

_Connor had gotten better at lying to his Dad so he text and said he was at a club. He'd hit the roof if he knew Connor was going to Jude's._

_"Hey Connor! Long time no see buddy" Stef cheered, a smile on her face._

_Jude just shook his head toward her, guiding Connor by the arm through the door. Stef frowned quickly, looking toward Lena also stood at the door next to her. "What's going on?"_

_"Connor's grandma passed away yesterday so I said he could come over" Jude answered. "Sorry I didn't tell you"_

_Stef frowned, "Oh no, of course that's fine sweetie. I'm so sorry Connor"_

_Connor took a deep breath, not really loving the attention. He didn't even really want to be at Jude's house but he figured if Jude invited him over, he still cared. Just a bit._

_"You two head on up, I'll make you a hot chocolate" Lena beamed sadly, rubbing Connor's shoulder as the two of them headed for the stairs._

_Connor followed Jude to his room, luckily passing no-one else on the way so he didn't have to make small talk. His eyes began itching as he sat on the edge of Jude's bed. Jude joined him, hesitantly placing an arm around his shoulder. Connor leaned his head into Jude slightly._

_Jude's arms were so warm, Connor felt like he really belonged inside them._

_"I'm sorry, Connor" Jude said, rubbing Connor's arm. "I should have been there for you"_

_Connor sniffed, "It's okay. You don't have to lie"_

_Jude frowned, pulling away from their hug. "I'm not lying"_

_Connor shrugged, wishing Jude arms were around him again, the sense of loving and belonging already fleeing from Connor's body. "I shouldn't have come here"_

_Connor stood from the bed, rubbing his arms quickly._

_"No, stay" Jude replied. Connor tensed up as Jude grabbed his hand, gripping tightly. Connor turned instantly. Jude looked up toward him hopefully. "Please"_

_Connor nodded heading back toward the bed, his hand still tightly in Jude's. Jude managed a small smile, bringing his other hand to place on top of Connor's. "We can watch a movie, if you like"_

_Connor was the one who managed the smile, smiling at Jude's smile and the fact Jude could even smile around Connor again. It was such a fulfilling feeling and Connor felt warm and tingly inside once again. "What movie?"_

_Jude grinned, "_ Footloose _"_

_Connor looked toward the duvet, his and Jude's hands still intertwined. "You sure know how to cheer me up. Not a lot of people know how to"_

_"Don't mention it," Jude smiled, "I guess I have the skill no one else does"_

_Forty minutes into_ Footloose _, Jude was asleep with his head just touching Connor's shoulder. Connor made sure to sing quietly under his breath, tightening his grip on Jude's hand everytime he moved in his sleep._

_(He didn't know how he'd get out of this one.)_


	17. Chapter 17

**Present Day**

Taylor's funeral was two weeks ago.

Connor ended up back in bed, curled under the duvet crying. Despite how much he told her to leave, Dr. Davidson sat with him every day. She bought him food from the cafeteria when he didn't get out of bed. She bought his newly prescribed pills and even skipped routine therapy.

Connor's left eye was beginning to hurt again and he figured he tumour was shifting to his good eye. Just what he needed.

He was just getting back on his feet completely and then it was all ruined again. 

Connor stopped going to breakfast because the days following Taylor's death consisted of Connor staring at her empty seat and crying. Andy stopped showing so that left Connor and Daria. So Connor stopped showing.

He drifted off and he noticed that every time he drifted off, Dr. Davidson left. Connor was just a burden, stopping her from working so she figured she could leave when he slept.

He stared across at Jude. Jude was still silent, still in his coma. It had been long enough now and the scarring and bruising had gone down. He just looked asleep. It helped ease Connor a little, but it also put Connor in the worst mindset; he kept thinking Jude would wake up. 

Jude had visitors over the past two weeks of Connor not moving but he never felt like talking so he either pretended to sleep, buried himself under the duvet and pretended like he wasn't there or just hid. He was running out of hiding places.

Pulling Connor from his trance was Daria as she knocked the door.

She smiled, Connor didn't.

"Hi," she said, heading over to his bed. "I thought you could use some company"

Connor sighed, shutting his eyes. "Please go away for your own sake"

Daria frowned sadly, looking at Connor. "Please talk to me"

"What about?" He snapped.

"Anything," She said. "Tell me about your parents, what your school was like"

Connor hated both of those topics and didn't want to talk about them voluntarily. 

"Why you wanted to take that kid up to the stars" She asked, looking over her shoulder at Jude.

Connor tensed up but she wouldn't notice. He then shrugged, realising he'd paused for way too long. "He looked lonely"

"Does he ever have visitors?" Daria asked, turning back toward Connor. 

Connor nodded weakly, "He has two Moms"

Daria nodded, "That's cool"

"Four siblings" Connor added. "Two sisters, two brothers"

Daria frowned, "How do you know this?"

Connor figured he had to tell someone at some point so why not now? Daria was there, Connor was vulnerable and hurting and everything was on the tip of his tongue.

Connor sighed again, "His name is Jude. He was my best friend up until I moved here last year" 

Daria's eyes widened quickly, "You know him?"

Connor nodded, "I know too much about him to ever forget him"

The story lead on from there and soon Daria knew everything Connor had sworn since the day he left to keep secret.

***

**May 03 2014**

_Connor pressed the phone to his ear, shutting his bedroom door behind him. It rang for a few seconds before connecting._

_"Hello?"_

_Connor smiled, "Hey, you called earlier?"_

_Jude replied, "Oh, yes. I was just wondering if you wanted to come to my Dad's at the weekend"_

_Connor's smile widened at Jude's shy tone, and Connor sat on his bed tossing a baseball around. "Sure, what time?"_

_"Around 5:30?" Jude suggested, "We, uh, don't want to miss the stars again"_

_Connor laughed, "Sure"_

_"And the quesadillas. Don't forget the quesadillas" Jude replied quickly, causing Connor to laugh harder. He could sense the smile in Jude's voice and it only made him smile more. Connor felt all this happiness attacking him at once but he didn't know how much longer he could feed lies to his Dad._

_Speaking of him, he yelled up the stairs. "Connor!"_

_Connor tensed up, still trying to focus on Jude talking. "Hang on, Jude"_

_Connor pulled the phone away from his ear, heading to his door and opening it. His Dad appeared at the top of the stairs. Connor tried to smile, holding the phone tightly in his hand._

_"Why didn't you answer me?" Adam asked, walking toward Connor. Before he could reply, Adam frowned, "Who are you talking to?"_

_"Ashley" Connor blurted._

_He took the phone from Connor's hand quickly, looking at the caller ID before ending the call. "What did I tell you about this?"_

_Connor cleared his throat, "You can't stop me from talking to Jude on the phone as well as in person, I can do what I want"_

_Connor's Dad glared at him, "What did you just say?"_

_Connor never replied, but looked down at the floor not bothering to repeat himself. Adam held Connor's phone in his hand, slipping it into his pocket. "Looks like I'll be keeping that"_

_Connor looked up, his mouth gaping. "You can't do-"_

_"Can't I?" Adam shouted, towering over Connor scarily._

_Tears prickled at Connor's eyes, the bridge of his nose beginning to sting. "Stef told me what happened"_

_Connor stared at his Dad, heart pounding as millions of things came into his head, all of them whirring too fast to possibly pick one that Stef told his Dad about._

_"What have I told you about lying to me, Connor?" He snapped, looking down on him. Doing his favourite thing in the entire world; belittling Connor. "She thought it was "cute" that he looked after you"_

_Connor wanted desperately to go back to that day._

_"How long has it been going on?" Adam asked._

_"There's nothing going on" Connor cried, "Honestly"_

_Sadly._

_"Lying! Again!" He shouted, "God, Connor you're the bane of this family, you never do anything right and now you're lying to me left, right and centre"_

_Connor shook his head, tears worming their way out of his eyes, "No. I'm not I swear"_

_Adam never replied, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Doesn't matter now. I only came to tell you that we're moving"_

_Connor froze; "Moving? Where?"_

_Adam turned from half way down the staircase. "Far away from him"_

_He jabbed his finger hard enough into the hanging picture of Connor and Jude that it fell from the wall and smashed. Just like every emotion in Connor's body._


	18. Chapter 18

**Present Day**

Two weeks later, Connor plucked up the courage to reject Dr. Davidson sitting at his bedside and go to the cafeteria. Andy obviously thought the same thing. 

Connor sent him a small smile as he reached the table and Andy only had one crutch with him. 

"What happened to the other one?" Connor asked, sitting opposite him. 

Andy shrugged, "I felt rebellious"

Connor laughed and he hadn't laughed in at least a month. It felt good. And when something felt good, he knew it wouldn't last long.

"How's your eye?" Andy asked, digging into a burrito.

Connor shrugged, "I don't really care anymore"

Andy frowned, "Oh"

Connor shook his head, "The tumour is undoubtedly spreading to my good eye, meaning I'll be blind soon because I've been stuck on the transplant list for way too long"

Andy nodded, "Transplant lists suck but you have to keep the hope. Someone out there just wants to give you an eye so badly"

Connor smiled, Andy's optimism giving him hope for half a second before everything flooded back into focus and Connor's body slumped again.

After a few minutes of them eating in silence, they were interrupted by the one and only James Downing.

"Well, well, Popeye" he said, "Looks like I was right about coma boy"

Connor froze, a frown appearing on his face all too quickly. Anger bubbled inside him mixed with fear and anxiety which was a truly awful combination.

"What are you talking about?" Connor spat.

Downing just smirked playfully, ugly, "So he is your boyfriend"

Connor's whole body tensed up, his frown sustaining as he kept staring at Downing. "And who told you that? Because, it's a lie" 

Downing laughed, "Not according to Daria Spencer it's not"

Connor opened his heart to the wrong person and he had lost enough care to even acknowledge that it felt wrong.

***

Connor roamed the halls, bumping into multiple things but not bothering to apologise for any of it. Daria's room had to be around here somewhere. 

With only half his eyesight, it took longer than expected and he kept bothering the wrong people. Andy was hopping behind him, blurting out apologies to the people Connor was disturbing.

Once Connor finally found Daria's room, he didn't bother knocking.

Daria looked up, a small smile on her face as Connor approached.

"How could you do that?" Connor shouted.

Daria frowned, horrified at his loud voice. "Do what?"

"You told James Downing" Connor snapped, "You told him about Jude"

Daria's eyes widened quickly, "No, I didn't I-"

"I trusted you, Daria!" Connor cried, a lump forming in his throat. His breathing became uneven so quickly, a shortage of oxygen around his body. "I trusted you with my feelings and you exploited them" 

Daria shook her head, climbing out of bed quickly as Connor headed for the door. "No! Connor, wait!"

Connor headed out the door, past Andy who had finally caught up with him and back down the hall, tears falling from his good eye. 

"Connor!" Andy called, "Connor, help!"

Connor turned back quickly, the thought of Andy in trouble urging him to almost run back to Daria's room. Once he got there, Andy was stood over Daria lay on the floor. Her whole body was convulsing, jerking wildly on the ground. 

"Get a nurse!" Andy shouted, heading for the door. 

Connor froze on the spot, staring down at Daria's body becoming lifeless, her eyes rolling back and forth. He had never seen this happen before, he had no clue what to do. Andy was calling for a nurse, hopping down the halls as fast as he could. 

Nurses ran into the room, ushering Connor away and he ended up in the corner of Daria's room on the floor. His head banged against the drawers behind him, sending him into a dizzy whirl. 

His eyes rolled back and forth, opening and closing. But every time he closed his eyes, her body convulsing on the ground in front of him jumped out evilly.

***

**May 10 2014**

_Another Math lesson dreaded by Connor. He had no reason to, him and Jude were finally on good terms again. But in the end that was the problem._

_Connor was moving away and he had to tell Jude._

_Jude walked into Math, talking to a girl named Celia before spotting Connor and heading toward his seat._

_Connor couldn't help but smile, trying to rid some of the anxiety inhabiting his body. Jude smiled back and Connor felt everything slip away around him. For a second. Then reality hit him in the face and his smile dropped._

_"Hey," Jude said, crouching down in front of Connor's desk._

_Connor tried to smile again, "Hi"_

_"Are you okay? You totally deadpanned me" Jude replied, an odd smirk on his face which only caused Connor's cheeks to flood red slightly._

_"Sorry, I was thinking about responsibility and having a mid life crisis" He replied, causing Jude to laugh._

_Connor smiled, the sound of Jude happy making him happy. His smile dropped again, the reality that Jude wouldn't be smiling when he finds out Connor is leaving._

_"So I texted you about five times last night?" Jude asked, "What happened?"_

_Connor rolled his eyes, "Sorry, my Dad took my phone. I kept getting distracted from homework"_

_Correction: he will not allow us to talk anymore, so._

_Jude laughed, "I get that so much"_

_Connor nodded, "Thank god someone does"_

_Jude giggled quietly, leaning his arms on Connor's desk as his legs started to give way beneath him. "Well, Haven will be here soon and my legs are dying due to this awkward position so I'm leaving"_

_Connor nodded, "Look out for a spitball in your hair"_

_Jude grimaced, "No thank you"_

_Connor just laughed as Jude shook his head. "Oh, and my Dad's is cancelled this weekend. Postponed for about two weeks if you can still make it?"_

_Connor instantly nodded, not even sure if he was free. He'd have to make sure of it. "Of course"_

_Jude nodded, "Cool. See you at lunch"_

_Connor nodded again, Jude's hand purposely brushing his as he stood from the crouched position. Jude turned as he walked away, shooting Connor a smile._

_He smiled back, figuring it might be one of the last._


	19. Chapter 19

**Present Day**

Andy dropped by Connor's room and told him that what they had both just witnessed was Daria having an epileptic fit. Andy had seen it before, Connor hadn't.

"Who's Jude?" 

Connor sighed from the other side of the bed. "It doesn't matter"

Andy shuffled around the room, Connor listening to where his crutches were moving to. "This is him, isn't it? The one you took up to the stars"

Connor turned over in his bed and watched Andy looking at Jude. He then turned, looking over toward Connor for confirmation. Connor just buried his head further into the duvet. "Please leave me alone, Andy"

"Why?" Andy asked, "Why did you do it?"

Connor rolled back over, "I've already told too many people I can't make that mistake again"

Andy shuffled toward Connor's bed, sitting in the chair next to his bed. That chair basically belonged to Dr. Davidson now and Connor felt odd knowing she wasn't sitting there. "Connor, you can trust me. You know that" he tried to smile, laughing a little, "Come on. Dandy Andy and Corndog"

Connor wanted to smile at the nicknames Taylor made up for them but it only made him angrier. Everything was just beginning to get to much, he wanted out so badly. Just when he thought things were getting a little better with his Dad out the picture, it went spiralling down again. Everything always went spiralling down too quickly. "Just get out, Andy"

"Connor-"

"Get out!" Connor shouted, flipping the duvet off and jumping out of the bed. Andy looked up toward him, eyes widened. "Get out, go!"

Andy tried to stand quickly, grabbing his crutches. He had switched back to two, Connor hadn't noticed.

"Don't bother coming back" Connor shouted, "Just stay away from me, you're going to get hurt at some point"

Andy shook his head, "No, Connor I-"

"Get out!" He screamed, tears filling in his eyes quickly. He grabbed Andy by the arms, trying to usher him out quickly. "Leave me, go!"

"Connor!" 

The familiar shrilling voice filled the air, arms flying wildly as Connor was yanked away from Andy. He screamed loudly, thrashing against her grip on him. Andy stared at him horrified before leaving the room quickly.

Dr. Davidson. 

Connor yanked himself from her arms, staring up at her. He fell to the floor quickly, tears flowing down his cheeks as anger consumed him and turned him into a deadly bomb waiting to explode at the next person who touched him. "I hate it, I hate it"

Dr. Davidson crouched in front of him, Connor just about making out a frown on her face, eyes full of concern. 

"Please," Connor cried, "Transfer me somewhere else"

Dr. Davidson's frown deepened, "What? No, Connor you can't"

"I hate it here" he cried, "Please, please. I hurt, I hurt so badly and I hurt too many people, I hurt Andy, I hurt Daria, I can't take it anymore"

He would hurt Jude, he would.

Dr. Davidson wrapped him in her arms tightly and somehow Connor did not burst into flames and explode. He calmed, his aching body soothed and his eyes shutting tightly.

Connor couldn't transfer away from her. He couldn't leave Dr. Davidson because despite Jude and his Mom, she was the next thing to family he had. It was the weirdest thing he had ever thought but it clicked as she held him tightly like a mother and a son. She knew him inside and out. 

Dr. Isadora Davidson cared about Connor. 

The thing is, she wasn't supposed to.

***

**May 17 2014**

_Today was the day. Connor had finally plucked up the courage to tell Jude._

_He sat through a boring Chemistry class rehearsing what to say because it turns out he had more anxiety than he thought. He kept going over a list in his head named the list of lies. Connor was getting too good at lying to people and he hated it. It'll all rebound and hurt him in the end._

_Connor headed out the lab to lunch, scouting the courtyard for Jude. His heart pounded, he felt lightheaded but he couldn't back out now. He had to do it, before Jude got hurt._

_He spotted Jude at their usual bench, grinning as he beckoned Connor over. Connor couldn't help but smile at Jude's enthusiasm, almost throwing him off his original plan._

_"Hey, how was Chemistry?" Jude asked, just as Connor sat next to him._

_Connor sighed, "Boring, as usual"_

_Jude laughed, "True"_

_"Lunch saved me though, I'm starving" Connor replied, pulling his backpack off his back and pulling out a cheese and pickle sandwich._

_Jude grimaced, "I still don't understand how you like pickles"_

_Connor frowned, turning toward him, "I still don't understand how you don't"_

_They both ended up laughing whilst looking at each other and stuffing their faces with food. Connor finished off his sandwich quicker than Jude could even make a dent in his cold pizza._

_Connor sat back on the bench, the anxiety and pain of moving away still at the back of his mind. It was so easily to slip into a cool, relaxing atmosphere with Jude which was one of the reasons Connor enjoyed his company so much._

_Jude finished the first slice of cold pizza and before he could grab the second slice, Connor took his hand._

_Neither of them tensed up, their hands fitting perfectly together and their pounding hearts beating in the same rhythm. It was normal._

_Connor broke the normalcy too quickly. "I have to tell you something"_

_Jude swallowed his pizza, "Sure"_

_Connor hesitated, his hand probably becoming clammy in Jude's. He didn't seem to care._

_"Well then, what is it?" Jude asked, leaning forward slightly. "Come on, Connor. You're scaring me"_

_Connor's thoughts overran his head, leading him into a dizzy spiral too quickly. He tried to find the right words to make it soften the blow but everything was a jumble in his mind._

_Eventually, he blurted, "I'm moving away"_

_After a few seconds silence, Jude's hand slipped out of Connor's. Connor sighed disappointedly._

_"What?" Jude muttered, his voice cracked. "Why?"_

_Connor rubbed his eyes quickly. "I found out the other week. My Dad got a new job, I didn't even know"_

_(Connor completely ignored Rule Nine of Jude and Connor's friendship guide:_ **don't lie to protect significant best friend's feelings.** _If Jude knew the real reason, Connor would lose his last shot all together.)_

_Jude stared down at his pizza. He never said anything for a while which meant Connor still hadn't redeemed himself. "My Dad just came up to me and said we're moving I didn't have any input at all, I don't even want to go"_

_Jude was still silent._

_"I'm sorry," Connor said, a lump forming in his throat. "Jude, please say something"_

_Jude cleared his throat eventually, "Why didn't you tell me when you knew?"_

_"Because" Connor said, his voice finally cracking and tears worming their way down his cheeks. "I didn't want to hurt you"_

_Jude turned to him, frowning as his eyes turned glassy, "Not telling me was the way to hurt me!"_

_Connor sighed loudly, shaking his head. "Jude we were finally good, I didn't want to ruin that!"_

_Jude nodded, "Yeah, we were finally good. We are finally good. It's just, I would have wanted to know how long "finally good" had left"_

_Silence. Connor cleared his throat, "Sorry. I was focusing on being happy now, rather than being sad later"_

_Silence from Jude this time. "I understand"_

_He went back to eating his cold pizza, Connor looking out at the beach. Their hands intertwined like normal once again, and "finally good" was coming to its abrupt ending._


	20. Chapter 20

**Present Day**

Connor was due for a meeting with Dr. Davidson and Dr. Chang. Apparently, Dr. Davidson had to talk to Connor and his Mom but couldn't do it without Dr. Chang there.

"So," Dr. Davidson began, wheeling Connor down the hallway. "Do you still want to transfer?"

Connor nodded, twiddling with his thumbs as her heels clapped against the floor along with the wheels of his wheelchair.

"Okay. I'll talk to your Mom and get that sorted for you" she said. Connor could sense her tone was off and they approached the elevator, waiting for the doors to open. "I can have you gone tomorrow"

She wheeled Connor inside, the two of them standing alone in the elevator. Dr. Chang's office was four floors up so there were four floors of silence ahead.

"Would you be sad?" Connor asked.

"What?" Dr. Davidson asked.

"If I transferred, would you miss me?"

She never replied and Connor just sighed loudly. Davidson cleared her throat awkwardly, "Your uh, friend, Andy would miss you"

Connor rolled his eyes, "Whatever"

Connor knew Andy would be sad and leaving Andy here in this hell hole would make Connor sad. He didn't mean to shout at Andy, he didn't mean to say anything bad at all. Other than Taylor, Andy was his best friend here. But he just ended up getting hurt, as Connor predicted.

The elevator stopped on the fourth floor and Dr. Davidson wheeled him out. Connor had rarely been up here as it was the elderly ward. He had no-one to visit and usually stayed on the bottom floor. It was surprisingly clean and so much nicer than the first floor. The atmosphere was quieter and so much nicer to be in.

Dr. Davidson knocked at Dr. Chang's door and the two exchanged handshakes even though they probably saw each other on a daily basis. 

"Hi, Connor" Dr. Chang said, sending him a small smile.

Connor nodded toward the small man, smiling back tightly.

"Right," Dr. Chang began, "Where is Jen?"

Dr. Davidson cleared her throat awkwardly again, "She couldn't make it"

Connor frowned, narrowing his eyes at the fact Dr. Davidson did the throat thing around awkward stuff. Dr. Chang grabbed his attention again.

"Tell me where you're at with your eyes, Connor" he asked, leaning forward on his desk.

Connor shrugged, almost looking toward Dr. Davidson for her to explain. "I can't see in my right eye anymore" he said, "And the left one is starting to hurt a little"

Dr. Chang nodded, "As predicted, you do know that this means there is more of a chance of saving your good eye if we enucleate soon, right?"

Connor sat forward in the wheelchair, "Really?"

He looked over at Dr. Davidson for confirmation and she nodded, a small smile playing on her face. "We can't jump the transplant list, though. We just have to hope that an eye becomes available sooner rather than later. If this happens, there is more of a chance of the tumour dying before it gets to your good eye"

Connor sat back in his wheelchair, taking the information in. If an eye became available, he'd have the cancerous one removed and then the tumour wouldn't affect his good eye. He'd be able to see, finally.

"Dr. Chang is Jude Adams Foster's doctor," Dr. Davidson said, "And we both know we're not here to talk about your eye"

Connor sprang up in the chair quickly, "What?"

"Jude's injuries are only minor now, the coma giving him time to heal without damaging himself any further. The coma also allowed the swelling in his brain to come down, which it did" Dr. Chang said.

"Which means?" Connor turned to Davidson.

"It means, Connor, that Jude might wake up soon" she replied.

Connor suppressed a smile, trying his best not to get his hopes up too much. Jude could wake up, he could sit and talk to Connor again. They could finally be together again. 

"I'll take you back to your room in a second, I just need to talk to Dr. Chang" Dr. Davidson said, "Are you okay to wait outside?"

Connor nodded, happily wheeling himself out and waiting by the door. He took a deep sigh, letting a smile settle on his face for the first time in a whole long time. Jude might wake up. He will be ok. 

Connor leant his head against the door of Chang's office, their conversation coming into earshot as it wasn't shut properly.

"Is there anyway we can shuffle him up, just a few places?"

"No-one jumps the transplant list, you know that" 

"Please, Jamie. I have to save that boy, and leaving him any longer in his state, you know the tumour will spread" Dr. Davidson's voice was low and snappy, Connor had never heard her speak like that.

"Isa, you know I can't shuffle Connor up the transfer list! I'm sorry, but I can't. I wish I could, he seems like a good kid" Dr. Chang replied.

"He is a damn good kid with a heart certainly bigger than yours" Dr. Davidson snapped. "If he turns out blind, it's on you Jamie" 

Connor focused on the floor as Dr. Davidson headed toward the door. She shut it behind her, sighing discreetly. She cleared her throat, again, taking hold of Connor's wheelchair. "Ready?"

He just nodded. He had established that Dr. Davidson didn't like his Mom very much, or Dr. Chang.

They were silent on the journey down and Connor got straight into his bed, curling under the duvet. Dr. Davidson looked over at Jude before back at Connor. "Do you want anything from the cafeteria?"

Connor shook his head, "No thanks"

She nodded, heading toward the door. "I'll come and check on you later, Connor. Keep the hope up" 

Connor nodded, thinking about hope. He hoped for too many things in life that had failed and hoping someone dies and donates an eye to the hospital is pretty much a whim. But he still did it anyway. For Jude. He had to have hope for the both of them.

"And for the record," Dr. Davidson said, sticking her head back into his room. "I would miss you if you transferred. A lot"

***

**May 30 2014**

_Donald's apartment was filled with love and energy once again when Lena dropped the two of them there. As promised, more quesadillas were provided and Connor ate way too many._

_After another game of scrabble, (Connor had definitely improved), Donald headed into the living room to find a movie._

_As he listed names, Jude eyed the front door. "Actually, Dad," Jude began. "I was wondering if we could go up to the roof again. You know, see the stars"_

_Donald turned toward them, sat on his knees. "Sure thing. Will you be ok on your own though? There's a football game on I wanted to watch"_

_Jude nodded, smiling shyly. Connor grabbed his jacket off the back of the chair, Jude doing the same as the two of them headed out the door._

_"Be back here by 7:30" Donald called, the two of them heading up the stairs._

_They got to the second flight and Connor stopped to wait for Jude. "You're so slow"_

_He held his hand out to Jude, who willingly took it as he reached Connor. "What can I say? Not a born athlete"_

_Connor grinned, the two of them falling into a comfortable walk up the rest of the stairs, hands swinging at their sides. "Unlike some"_

_Jude rolled his eyes, "Whatever, baseball boy"_

_Jude pushed the fire exit open, the cool air hitting their faces quicker than expected. The sky was a dark, murky colour which made the stars shine even brighter in Jude's eyes._

_They stood at the edge of the building, peering down at the city and observing._

_"Where do you think the person in that yellow cab is going?" Jude asked, leaning over to point at the car._

_Connor frowned, "Which one? There are too many"_

_Jude laughed loudly, his voice echoing off the walls of the building and into the night sky. He looked up gripping Connor's hand tightly as the sky almost swallowed him whole. Connor watched, fascinated by Jude's fascination with the murky sky; what could he possibly see?_

_"Jude" Connor began, dragging his eyes away from the sky quickly._

_"Yes?" Jude asked, his voice considerably quiet._

_"I don't really know what this is" Connor asked, squeezing Jude's hand to signalise what he was referring to._

_"It's what we want it to be, right?" Jude asked, sort of hopefully. "It doesn't have to have a label"_

_Connor nodding slightly, "I just wanted to check with you because it sort of just evolved"_

_Jude frowned, "Check what?"_

_"That you holding my hand isn't just a pity thing" Connor replied. "That you do actually mean it like I mean it"_

_Jude nodded, "I do mean it"_

_"Because I like you, Jude" Connor said, thanking the dark sky for covering his burning cheeks. "A lot. And even though I'm moving away, doesn't mean that things have to go weird between us. Because it makes me happy being around you. Happier than I've ever been and I know it sounds so stupid but it's true"_

_Jude smiled, nodding. "That's good then. Because you're not getting rid of me"_

_Connor smiled, Jude taking hold of his other hand tightly before hugging him quickly. He settled his chin on Connor's shoulder, whispering, "Ever"_

_Connor relaxed for a second, wishing that Jude's "ever" wasn't going to be tarnished by Connor moving away._


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (warning: sad, tears, pain.)

**Present Day**

Connor never transferred. He couldn't after being told Jude may wake up at any moment. He couldn't miss that moment, it was so damn important.

Connor had seen a lot more of Stef and Lena lately as obviously they were anticipating Jude's wake as much as he was. Connor tried his best to speak to them. They seemed happy he was looking better.

Callie reappeared and Connor didn't have a chance to ask her where she was the last time he saw Stef and Lena in the hospital. 

Connor had just returned from the cafeteria. He apologised to Andy for everything that he said and did and with a tight hug, Andy forgave him. Connor didn't really know what he would do if he hadn't forgiven him. 

Connor wondered and wondered whether someone's eye was on its way to Connor's surgery table - weird but true. He wondered if he would ever see the outside walls again and pass the hospital in the car and it be a distant memory. That was the only thing he hoped for other than for Jude to wake up.

Placing a plate of cookies on his bed, Connor took a seat in the chair next to Jude's.

He smiled, knowing that Jude would wake up sometime soon. Well, he hoped he would. Connor didn't really know how Jude would react when he woke up. Whether he would be overjoyed to see him or despise him for not returning any of his messages or calls. Connor couldn't, he couldn't drag Jude into the hell of a long distance friendship.

Connor took hold of Jude's hand and even though Jude did not clutch his tightly, their hands still fitted together perfectly. It hadn't changed, their connection was still there. It was, it had to be.

"I really hope you wake up, Jude" he whispered. He looked down at Jude's hand, limp and lifeless in his own before looking back toward his face. "I'll be right here if you do. I promise I won't go again. I promise, if you wake up I'll be here for you"

Jude's heart monitor spiked and Connor's anxiety did the same. He looked up quickly, the green line monitoring Jude's heart rate producing a steady gradient as Jude's heart started beating faster. 

Connor's eyes flickered from Jude to the monitor and back again. It slowed once again, settling Connor's nerves for a brief minute. He squeezed Jude's hand, sighing. "Don't scare me like that, okay?" 

Connor thought his hand twitched but in actuality, Jude squeezed back. 

Connor stared at his hand, burning holes in the sheets beneath it. Jude's hand was now wrapped tightly around his and Connor stood quickly from his chair. He couldn't let go, he couldn't. But he needed a nurse.

Jude's heart monitor spiked again and Connor pulled away from Jude's hand, running to the door quickly. "Nurse! Somebody, please"

There like a shot was Dr. Davidson. She stood at the door, eyes wide with fear before walking in quickly. "What? What, Connor are you okay?"

"Jude squeezed my hand!" He exclaimed, picking Jude's hand up encasing it in his own quickly. "Go on, Jude. Squeeze it again. Show her you're okay"

No response.

"Jude" Connor whispered.

"Connor," Dr. Davidson said.

"Wait, wait. He'll do it" Connor replied quickly. "Come on, Jude. I'm right here"

"Connor," Dr. Davidson tried again. "Connor, he flatlined. He's gone"

The white noise finally cracked and all that Connor could hear now was the monotonous heart monitor ringing in his ears.

Dr. Davidson walked around the bed toward him, catching him as he fell quickly. "Time of death, 3:33 PM"

***

**June 01 2014**

_Connor spent his last day with his Mom and he managed to convince her to take him to see Jude. She instantly said yes and then regretted even asking._

_What was he going to say to Jude? What was he going to do? How was Connor going to cope without seeing Jude around school, making new friends?_

_Jen pulled up in front of Jude's house, the two of them heading toward the front door quicker than Connor liked. His heart was pounding louder than he'd ever felt it before and he was on the verge of either crying or vomiting or both._

_His Mom rang the doorbell, Jude answering the door._

_"Hi," Jude said, a smile on his face as he looked toward Jen. "My Moms are in the kitchen"_

_She soon disappeared and Connor stood in the doorway in front of Jude._

_"Shall we sit outside?" Jude suggested._

_Connor nodded, heading back out the front door, Jude following and shutting the door behind him. Connor sat on the front step, twiddling his thumbs as Jude sat next to him quietly._

_"I'm going to miss coming here" Connor said quietly. "Your house is amazing"_

_Jude shrugged, managing a small laugh. "It's not bad"_

_Connor untangled Jude's hands and held onto his right hand tightly. Jude leaned his head on Connor's shoulder, sending tingles down the left side of Connor's body._

_"I'm going to miss this" Jude whispered. He thought Connor couldn't hear him but he did. He definitely did._

_"Me too," Connor replied, swallowing hard as a lump formed in his throat._

_"What's your new school like?" Jude asked, attempting to make lame conversation._

_Connor shrugged, "Ugly. Everything about it is ugly, it'll never be as good as Anchor Beach"_

_Jude nodded, "AB is pretty hard to beat"_

_"Have you seen your new house?"_

_Connor just shook his head, "Not yet"_

_The two of them sat there in silence for a few minutes, just taking in each other's company and treasuring their last moments together._

_"Thanks for being my best friend, Jude" Connor said, breaking the silence. He sat up, Jude's head falling from his shoulder looking up toward Connor._

_Jude shook his head, "We'll still be best friends. I promise"_

_Connor tried to smile but tears got the better of him. He looked away from Jude wiping his eyes and stifling a sob. Jude ached for Connor, trying to rid his own tears. He grabbed Connor's face, causing him to look up quickly._

_Jude pressed his lips to Connor's, still holding onto his face. More tears escaped Connor's eyes as he kissed Jude, realising how wonderful and magical their first kiss was but also realising it was their last. Connor wanted to kiss Jude over and over and over until time stopped. Nothing would ever beat the sensation of the two of them joining as one and igniting such a flame in each other that nothing could put it out._

_Connor was on fire, his bones rattling in his body as Jude held his trembling face. They were both trembling messes, somehow making sense of one another as they kissed._

_Yeah, Connor had kissed slimey girls from his grade and held their sweaty hands. But nothing, nothing, compared to this. Nothing compared to the feeling of even being near Jude. And here Connor was saying goodbye to him._

_The idea of goodbye made Connor ache, sending his head spinning. He was flustered and muddled and slowly crashing down to earth again. But Jude made it okay._

_They finally parted, Jude wiping some of Connor's tears away from his cheeks. Jude sniffed, pulling Connor into a hug. They gripped onto each other tightly, not wanting to let go whatsoever._

_"I'll never forget you" Connor whispered._

_Jude nodded, "Not goodbye, just see you soon"_

_Footsteps came into earshot in the hallway and the two parted. Jude dug into his back pocket as they stood, pulling out a crumpled sheet of paper._

_"You can keep this" he held it out to Connor._

_Connor took it, unfolding it quickly._

**JUDE AND CONNOR'S FRIENDSHIP GUIDE** _was scrawled across the top in blue letters, all different sizes. He skimmed the list, smiling to himself._

_Jude had circled Rule Ten, Connor noticing just as the door opened. His Mom appeared and smiled at him, "All ready?"_

_Connor looked at Jude once more before nodding and folding the paper back up. "Yeah"_

_Jen headed down the pathway toward the car._

_"Goodbye, Connor" Jude said._

_"Goodbye"_

_Connor headed down the pathway for the last time, Rule Ten sticking in his mind._

**Always stay in touch.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for any tears shed, please forgive me. If anything doesn't make sense now, hopefully it will become clear in the last two chapters. Please be patient with me. xo


	22. Chapter 22

**Present Day**

Connor wasn't really sure how to feel anymore. He couldn't feel anything but pain. Stupid, mind numbing pain and after all this time he was ready to succumb to it.

On one side of him was his Mom, gripping his hand tightly. On the other, Dr. Davidson gripping his other hand.

Surrounded by two people who cared about him and he couldn't feel more alone.

Everything fell out of time. All of Connor's memories with Jude were tumbling into the ground where the coffin lay in front of him. All the laughs, cries, smiles, holding of hands, everything was being buried along with him. 

Connor wished he could be buried in the ground with them. 

Stef and Lena stood hand in hand on the other side of the coffin, so far away from Connor it felt like they weren't truly there. Callie was at their side along with Brandon, Mariana, Jesus and Mike.

Mike. It was his fault Jude lay in the coffin in the first place. 

Connor never said anything to them. He didn't really know what to say. He didn't know what to say to anyone. He felt so lost as he stared down at the coffin. He thought it would look different, he thought it would be longer. He thought it would at least be him laying there instead of Jude. 

The thought struck him in an instant; Connor would rather be blind than live in a world without Jude. 

"You okay honey?" His Mom whispered, looking down at him. 

He never replied but just shrugged. For an emotional wreck during movies, his Mom was pretty well kept together. As for Dr. Davidson he couldn't really read her.

She cleared her throat, the awkward thing, turning toward Connor. "We need to get you back to the hospital soon, Connor"

Connor just shook his head, more tears forming. "No"

"I'm sorry," she said, stroking his hand with her thumb. "But we can only allow you to be out for a certain amount of time, you know that"

Connor did know that. But Connor also knew Dr. Davidson would bend the rules if he tried hard enough. He was too tired so he let her win.

He stared down at the coffin, throwing dirt on as the others did the same thing before it was buried. The man in the weird white outfit began shovelling piles of dirt on top, quicker and quicker, suffocating Jude's body under the ground. Connor could feel his ribs being squished as more dirt was shovelled on, the coffin closing in on him. 

Jude really was gone.

His Mom bid goodbye to him in the parking lot of the hospital and he followed Dr. Davidson back in.

As they reached reception, her phone rang and she frowned as she pulled it out. Connor wasn't the least interested in who it was but he waited for her anyway.

She pulled it to her ear, "Isa Davidson, who is calling?"

Connor heard the robotic muffled voice on the other end and turned his head quickly as Dr. Davidson gasped. "You do?"

She grabbed Connor's hand quickly, squeezing it tight. Connor was kind of agitated and wanted to pull away. "Thank you," she said. "I'll bring him to theatre three right now"

She ended the call, shoving her phone in her pocket. She then grinned at Connor. "That was Dr. Collins calling. You're first on the list, Connor"

Connor just frowned, "What list?"

"The transplant list," she said. "There's an eye waiting with Dr. Collins and it's got your name on it"

Connor almost collapsed. The next thing he knew, he was heading into surgery.

***

_Connor was pumped full of too many drugs to remember the hectic blur that happened before he went into theatre. His Mom appeared again, so many doctors. The last thing he remembered was Dr. Davidson holding his hand and grinning at him. Whether Dr. Chang bumped Connor up the list was unknown. All he cared about was getting a new eye._

_He was in the cafeteria but there was no-one around. There was no food and no noise and it made no sense to Connor. He headed around the open space, looking for any sign of anyone._

_He frowned, heading into the games room quickly. No-one inside there either. Connor didn't understand how one of the busiest places in the city was so empty._

_Connor headed down the hallway when all else failed. The only noise was the squeak of his sneakers on the shiny flooring below. He headed past rooms 206 and 207 which were both empty._

_Coming to room 208 was a different story all together._

_Connor headed into his own room, looking straight toward Jude's bed. He sat up, playing a small portable video game in his hand which didn't make a sound. Connor just stared for a while, unsure of what to do and how he was going to pluck the courage up to speak._

_Jude beat him too it._

_"Took you long enough," Jude said, looking up from the game in his hand. A huge smile was plastered upon his face and it was one of the prettiest sights Connor had ever laid eyes on. He hadn't seen Jude smile for so so long and watching the smaller boy's happiness flow from him caused Connor to feel pure hope and happiness for the first time in months._

_"I got a little lost" Connor replied, it only coming out as a whisper. He cleared his throat, ready to speak again but he didn't know what to say._

_"Taylor is hilarious, by the way" Jude said, switching the game in his hand off. "I've never met someone who tells better jokes than she does"_

_Connor smiled toothily, suppressing a laugh. His mind was slow to add things up: Jude, Taylor, alone in a hospital._

_Fear struck Connor and it felt like such an odd concept in this makeshift world. "Is this heaven?"_

_Jude shrugged, "Depends what you believe"_

_"Am I dead?"_

_Connor didn't have time to worry about not making it through the surgery because it all happened too fast. Everything happened too fast, losing Taylor was too fast, Jude's death was too fast._

_Jude shook his head, "No. I'm just keeping you company whilst they fix you"_

_Connor laughed, "No-one can fix me"_

_Jude shuffled the game in his hands. "They can try"_

_"Did you really squeeze my hand, Jude? Was that really you?" Connor asked, heading closer to the bed where Jude sat._

_A smile played on his face, "Answering that will only alter the reality you're about to face"_

_Connor had no idea what that meant but the darkness flooded back in and all Connor could see was Jude's wonderful smile. It was all he wanted to see. And for those few seconds, he was complete._


	23. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (yikes I am so hesitant to post this and my anxiety is through the roof but you guys deserve the ending.)
> 
> Sorry about the delay, I had to edit some things in previous chapters before I could upload this. 
> 
> Also plot twist: this is actually the last chapter, "chapter 24" will indeed be a note.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the ending - please go easy on me (aaah) xo

**Present Day**

White lights filled his eyes the minute he opened them. The urge to vomit crept up too quickly, Connor lurching forward and vomiting over the cream sheets in front of him.

"Get it all up, baby, it's okay"

After Connor finished vomiting, he looked up. With both his eyes. 

He blinked, looking at his Mom expectantly. She took a seat in the chair next to his bed, a smile plastered on her face. "Welcome back to the world, Connor"

Connor could see again. 

Tears spilled over his eyes quickly as his Mom took hold of his hand. The vomit smell hung in the air and Connor felt like he could go again but he bought his hand up to his eye. He fumbled around underneath, a few bumps from where the swelling was slowly going down. He shut it, opening it again gently, the vision remaining.

"Oh my god"

Jen laughed, tears overflowing. "I know"

Connor smiled. Actually smiled. 

With his newly developed vision, he scouted the room for his brown tuft-like hair bounding the room. His lopsided smile, Connor could treasure it properly now. 

Things were returning to normal so quickly and Connor didn't really know how to take it.

He had to ask. "Where's Jude?"

His Mom's face faltered, a frown appearing. "What?"

Connor frowned slightly, "Jude? Where is he?"

Jen looked around the room before looking over at Connor. "Connor, you've got to give this up"

_She's lying._

Connor's heart almost stopped, his frown deepening. "Where is he? He was in the bed next to mine-"

Jen sighed, "Jude isn't real, Connor"

_Yes he is!_

Connor frowned, heart racing, "What?"

"Your meds, they've been playing with your mind" Jen said, placing a hand on top of his. Connor snatched his hand away immediately. "They made you think Jude was real when they should have done the opposite"

"Where's Jude?" He snapped. "I want to see Jude. He's real, I know he is"

Jen just stared at him, "I'll talk to you when you've calmed down"

"Why are you lying to me?" Connor shouted. The sudden movement sent shooting pains to his eye, causing him to groan in anger and pain. "Where's Andy? And Daria?"

Jen shook her head, "They're not here Connor. They never existed-"

"Stop!" Connor shouted, covering his ears quickly. "Stop, stop lying to me!"

"It's okay," a doctor's voice came into earshot as she walked in. Dr. Davidson, back again. She sat in the chair on the other side of Connor's bed, taking both of his hands from his head and holding them tightly. "Connor, it's okay" 

She then looked over at Jen, "The pills and painkillers may warp his memory at first"

"Why is she lying to me? Please, make her leave" Connor snapped, looking at Dr. Davidson. "I just want to see my friends"

Dr. Davidson frowned at Connor sympathetically, "Connor, she's your Mother. Once you've recovered, you're going home with her"

Connor shook his head, tears falling from his eyes quickly. "No, no! This is my home, I want to stay here with you" 

Dr. Davidson shook her head, "No, Connor. It's not. You're fixed, you can go back to living your life"

_No-one can fix me._

Connor began to cry loudly, burying himself into the bed and under the duvet. Dr. Davidson left his side, talking to his Mom and walking toward the door.

"Why do theses meds keep screwing with his head?" Jen pleaded. "They're supposed to stop his hallucinating, not make it stronger"

_They can try._

"We've tried every type of medication provided for schizophrenic kids possible, Mrs. Stevens. You know as well as I do, that if there were more I'd put Connor on them immediately"

Jen looked toward Connor quickly, "Will he be like this permanently?"

Dr. Davidson shook her head, "He'll remember the schizophrenia soon. He always does. Just a few side affects from the morphine and painkillers from his surgery. They should die down in a couple of hours"

Jude Adams Foster was no side affect. And Connor didn't want him to die down. But it seems like he already had. And somehow, Connor's mind had caused him to fall in love with figments of his imagination, _yet again_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (p.s I'm thinking of deleting this some point next week - comment your thoughts?)


	24. Note

hello wonderful readers who managed to actually stick with me on this fic,

Grey is now complete! I honestly thought I'd never get to the end, lol. thank you to everyone who took the time to read/comment/vote on this fic, it means the absolute world to me that people enjoy what I write and enjoy reading my stories and watching the characters grow like I do.

in light of the ending, I am a horrible person I know (sorry). any fellow writers may understand that once you start something with a strict plan, it may not always go to plan and as cliché and weird it sounds, "the characters tell the story". 

in this case, yes, they did. I got so into it for three days straight and I was so deeply into Connor's character that he completely took hold in the last few chapters and my writing spiralled on a completely different path. I felt like this ending was the one that had to happen - there were multiple other endings I could have chosen but they wouldn't have felt right. the story and build up just fit the ending so well.

regarding Connor, he suffered from schizophrenia. for anyone who may not know, this is a mental health condition that causes a range of different psychological symptoms including hallucinations and delusions and as a result of those, it can change your behaviour and thoughts. 

Connor suffered lots of hallucinations, some of them being Jude, Andy, Taylor and Daria. while all these characters were real and spoke in the story, they were only in Connor's head which is why they never interacted with other characters other than Connor. the Adams Foster family were also a hallucination to Connor, as they were involved with Jude. all the flashbacks of Jude and Connor were not real as they were all in Connor's head.

as for Adam and Jen, they were real. the storyline with Connor and his Dad going to prison was very, very real. Dr. Davidson and the other doctors/nurses at the hospital were also real. Connor's cancer was also very real, and part of the reason Connor "hallucinated" Taylor and Andy was because he spent so long in the hospital, alone.

I hope that clears up any confusion any of you may have gotten from the epilogue! truly sorry if the ending was not something you wanted but in the nicest way possible: it's my fic. the ending was more of a shock factor imo as the predictable endings are not something I go for & Connor getting Jude's eye would have been predictable.

thank you so so so much again for reading this fic, it means the WORLD. 

hope to see you around, 

olivia xo

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this chapter! Remember to vote/comment if you liked it. :)


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